How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One onerous, possibly distasteful bite at a time until it's done. Or you can figure out how to market Elephant Burgers... You get the point: Just Keep Swimming.

It is cold. Ok, so not Arctic. But I feel it. I struggle with circulation, and this house is cold. I find it painful and hard to move. And that is BEFORE you look at chronic fatigue, poor iron stores etc, etc...

So here I am in the middle of the afternoon (after trying to catch the only sun spot that reaches indoors long enough to make a difference!) trying to finish a bit of admin- ok, calling it what it is 'busywork- so that I feel like I've done something apart from cower with fatigue and frigidity'... And remind myself I am not, in fact, a waste of space. Because in my head I still cling to the idea that my intrinsic value is wrapped up in 'achievements and accomplishments' - of just about any kind really, apart from 'recovery', and it still pains me to have to try and accept that even though I look awesome (true story), I am by no means, normal. That 'one day I'll do a half marathon' dream (maybe not a good example of a 'normal' dream, how about 'one day I might be able to have a part time job *and* the housework,') may as well be 'one day I'll be a gazillionaire and own a couple of planets'. Not actually a dream I have, FTR. Giving myself a talking to, picking up by metaphorical bootstraps and  looking for that silver lining. Maybe I'll find it in a hot shower (and giving thanks for hot water after the system broke twice last month!).

In fact, I had another doctors appointment yesterday. I commented to my Significant Other (I have taken to bringing him along because my memory is so poor and at times I am a useless advocate for what I need,) that it was a relief to be reminded just how much my body struggles to cope with what is for other people 'normality', and the fact that I have anything burning on any level in any cylinder (not sure if that's a good analogy or even semi-correct use of that particular metaphor, but let's go with that. I'm tired.) is in fact, pretty good news. I am happy to say that iron levels are still abysmal, which is some justification for me not personifying Wonder Woman of late. (I have got a pretty cool Wonder Woman T-shirt though. Even if my daughter says I don't look much like her...) But on the up-side, he is going to try me with something that I should be able to better absorb, and also given me some glutathione to help, (especially over these continuing ups-and-downs-of-house-hunting months)  which I am REALLY looking forward to trying. I have high hopes, which has me immediately concerned.One more thing that might not work? I will try to stay optimistic.

I am also swinging between being kind to myself (so I don't get sick. -er.):

And wondering what the point of anything is:

Especially for the 'this sale falls through', 'that house goes under contract' game of ping-pong we are playing - I knew we would be living uncertainly for a couple of months, but now it looks like it could be double that. 

In the spirit of this blog - the purpose being to remind myself that I am doing things (even though I am behind with a few things - too cold to make kefir everyday now!), I am reminding myself that this week I completed another module. Yay me!

(NOT A PERFECT AVERAGE - AND HASN'T KILLED ME!)

And I am almost caught up with my short Italian course. I am trying to enjoy this instead of flogging myself to 'be correct' and over achieve (lol, trying to fight genetics!), and so far, it seems to be ok... Still, won't be giving flawless directions to hapless travelers for sometime. Possibly just as well that I only vicariously live in Italian movies...

I am honestly too cold to do much in the way of art (and the whole energy to sit/hold brush thing, that's ongoing); it is difficult to imagine shivering in a thick coat and blanket with gloves and trying to be creative. So I might hibernate for a bit and watch some videos and tutorials - plotting and planning.... Summer can't be THAT far off, can it? (You know, summer? When it's too hot to move...!?) Not a lot easier to wrap paintings in bubble wrap- but a little. And I have to give up coffee again! Which to mean sounds a little like an excuse to go and try heaps of exotic tea blends....

Feeling Lost And Found

Up and down crests, rolling with the ebb and flow - occasionally panicking that I might drown, but generally trying to keep in peace. It's all happened this month.

There is just so much on. I am supposed to be having a rest today (must spray legs with magnesium oil, too much walking!) but it is nearly lunch time and I am only just catching up on admin- haven't managed to shower or eat yet - and my to do list is looking a bit daunting, and it's not even that big or unpleasant! Dousing myself in rosemary oil today in a bid to have some mental clarity. Can't say it's been 100% effective, but look what it had to work with...

That Familiar Feeling

So, we still haven't found a house. I know it isn't as urgent as it has been in the past, but it's still stressful when you have no energy. We have had so many people come through and look in the past week that I am worn out just from asking the kids to pick up XYZ etc so it doesn't look like we live in a perpetual whirlwind. Which we usually do. And that shouldn't be anyone else's business. Anyway. I have managed to pack four whole boxes! Go me. And I don't know what to pack next - will we need it in the next 'undefined period of time'? Will it take me longer than half an hour to sort and pack before I have to make dinner/get washing/teach next lesson - or heaven forbid, have a cup of tea and five minutes to myself?? Certainly have to move; we have had to make a formal noise complaint about the neighbours, and today I have been doing my admin with my sons noise cancelling headphones on and some music playing quietly to drown out the noise. All. Day. (and it's Sunday - no days off!) Oh for some peace an quiet!  *breathe*...!!! Complain, grizzle, moan - done now! Onto better things as I pour myself some kombucha....

So in this past month (aiyaiyai, where is my time going?) I saved up some Spoons and hubby and I shuffled timetables, energy and kidlets to enable me to go to the most AMAZING art class I have ever been to. Really. I have enjoyed many others, of course, and learned from them, but the combination of skills and techniques I learnt here, combined with the topic or theme, and the experiences of the ladies in the class, not to mention the gorgeous, most encouraging and empowering teacher - I have not fallen into bed after such a rewarding, fulfilling, edifying and supporting day in I can't remember how long.

Which leads me to introduce Shelley McDonald. (Seriously, follow her on facebook!).

I was blessed to be a part of her Frida Khalo Still Life class. Can you say - 'Le Freaking AWESOME!'??

 With Shelley's gracious permission, I have included a collage of a *tiny* amount of the GORGEOUS objets d'art available to  incorporate into our still life. I think this was probably the hardest part, deciding which objects to not include - as delicious as the were!

For obvious reasons I won't go into detail on how this technique is achieved, but I am glad I got some photos of the process because the process sort of ambles along and you think 'I guess this is going ok...', until almost the very end, when you go - 'Holy Moley! That's freaking awesome!' I know, I know, I have been saying that a lot. And bless her heart, Shelley was very encouraging along the whole way - especially where you start to question your decisions; and so helpful with advice and suggestions. Very grateful.

Not to mention several of the women had health and/or family situations similar to mine and there were some very empowering and educational discussions. I can't tell you how wonderful that was. It has been such a long time (three years +) since I have been able to paint and create with anyone, it was truly food for my soul. And to have people not look at me when I explain my health as if I have grown another head or something similar. *breathe*

Blinging wee touches of gold leaf - SUCH FUN!

And here is my baby. It is not finished - I have a few things to touch up (as ever, right?) but I have not had the strength to hold a brush this past week in my 'spare time'. I am as pleased as punch with her. Obviously it's a she. And I am really looking forward to finishing her off - then packing her up to hang in my new home, wherever it is - it had better have an ideal spot for her! I am honestly vetting every property we look at by a rigid check list, starting with: Will my kefirs and kombucha babies fit in/near the kitchen? These things are right up there with sunlight and PEACE AND QUIET!

Prelim sketch for another one...

What else have we been up to? (There must be more, MORE! Then remembers she would rather simplify, and tells herself to settle down. Again.)

Well, I spent a cool morning with my friends making felt soaps. These, and many other things I do are the creative babies of This Mama Made.

Then another gorgeous morning with her making -Da-da-da-daaaaaaaa (so excited) felted dreadlocks! This was seriously awesome. I have always wanted dreadlocks. Maybe one day. Such fun, and therapeutic too.

Sketch I made for Wonderlust Challenge - it was a challenge indeed- Why did I choose hands??

In fact, I am looking forward in anticipation to another felting workshop with her this week to make felted pods. Pictures to come. Hopefully. I. Can't. Wait. And it's also awesome (that word again...) that I get to make them sitting down - phew!

Oodles of chicken broth? Check.

'Booch Experiment: Cacao nibs, cinnamon, vanilla, ginger, chilli, cardamon and cloves...

Yeah baby. Will be making this again in larger amounts! (Durant crocks ordered this week - HOORAY!) It slips over your tongue, slaps you around the uvula and says 'Hello! Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you - have a bit more..' then does it again! In a good way. A reeeeaaally good way. 

And the usual suspects: Water kefir (experimenting with mango and mint, pomegranate and lime, and grapefruit flavours this week, yeah baby), 'booch (building my SCOBYs and waiting for my crocks!), kefir cheese (which I may have left a bit too long this week as it can almost put hair on your chest... bit strong but pretty delish stirred through the huge amounts of slow cooker meals I have been making this week - big energy saving strategy!), muesli for an army (goodness, must soak some more nuts and buckinis - never ending!), broth, and my new regular: gummies! 

Seriously, where have they been all my life? I had to adapt the water-to-gelatin ratio to suit me better, but these Supercharged Peanut Butter Fudge are a hit, and these Coconut Marshmallow gummies are wicked, seriously good, stirred through a hot chocolate (made with Greens Organic Dark Chocolate, *sigh*). Have to try these ones next....

And you know I have such a problem about feeling lazy due to my lack of visible accomplishments (among friends, right?) that I tend to over commit. Because, packing up a house and everything else isn't enough for someone with energy problems.... So I sort of made a compromise. Sort of, because it's still work, but I can, for the most part, do it horizontally- which ticks a lot of boxes. Still nothing 'visible' to show for it, but at least the grey matter is working. A bit.

I have just completed a three week course on Food as Medicine from Monash University (which was a little disappointing TBH), and am currently doing two other courses through futurelearn.com, which for the most part I am enjoying. One is Beginners Italian, which I am loving, the other, is Propaganda and Ideology, which can be a little frustrating, as you can imagine (especially as an INFJ/INFP - depends on the day and hormones it seems...) anywhoo- I *might* not complete that one; its six weeks long and there are already a bunch of people rubbing me the wrong way, and I don't need that crap :) But I have the freedom to make that choice, so that is nice. Just have to override the 'don't leave things unfinished' gene. Which looking at the rest of my life is fair to imagine that shouldn't be too difficult...

And I haven't done any writing course for over a month! *it's OK, it's OK*.... 

And I am also going to post this BEFORE I edit it properly, because I may never do it and that is worse than bad proofreading. GASP - who said that?

(Not) Iron(Wo)man

So. It turns out my ferritin levels are poor. Like anemic. Again. Like really, you should be sitting/lying down. For a while. Which I did this week. For a few days. Actually, I had that close relationship with the sofa for three days. I suspected something was up - I was really longing - longing, for coffee. I mean, I like coffee, but when I long for it, it's a red flag.

Again I am rejoicing that my kids are pretty good and have again stepped up. More cooking, home economic, reading and maths lessons from the couch.

We had to skip orienteering this week, because I spent all my 'spoons' on a day at a city farm where the kids learned about permaculture. Well, we talked about it, but they got the most kicks out of feeding the chickens and the art and music and amazing play area they have. They got to run around outside for hours (really, hours) being kids, covering themselves in mud, painting with water in the dirt, firing clay sculptures in clay pits, making seed pod canoes and sculptures; it was truly amazing that they had the freedom to explore and create and experiment. But I can't really remember what happened afterwards. I vaguely remember driving home, then nothing for a couple of days...

Socialising: the energy thief!

So I have started (more) pills and am starting to pick up again. (Which is something because last time I had about four iron infusions. Which take time. And cost more.) Today I wasn't dizzy, Much. Just have to mind that I don't use the small energy I have gained to 'catch up' on the things I had to let slide again. The kids did some washing too, so really, we aren't doing too bad. Free grocery deliveries are working very well for me at the moment! It took me a few hours to make a meal plan and a list during the 'fog' days this week (and I did order an excessive amount of toilet paper, such were my addled wits ...) but not having to drag myself to and around the supermarket is literally saving me.

High on my pathetically short list of achievements this week, is getting my son to nap - like three times! This kid has been a nap denier since he turned two. And, to be diplomatic, his behaviour has demonstrated that he has*really* needed naps lately. It is a big deal - more often than not I fall asleep and he doesn't but he has been out for an average of 2hrs each time. It has been very good! Poor kid. I always feel for tired kids. So grateful we can rest when we need to. Usually.

And my art group. I (hate to say literally, but) literally threw together a journal piece tonight for the April challenge. I'm really disappointed, but considering this is the first day in a week I have been able to focus (ok, so not *well*), let alone sit in a chair and hold up a brush... We had to use an old photo (family or otherwise), create a page with acrylics and tell a story about it.

I feel I haven't done the photo I chose justice - I chose her from a Google search, I thought she was too gorgeous! And I had to get a photo NOW to get it in on time, but as it is already dark out the colours don't photograph well. Maybe I'll try again in the morning. If I remember!

This was my 'story':

This is my gorgeous (and fictitious) Aunt Rita. It is a photo from one of her annual holidays that she would take with her twin sister Lynette, back when they were both 'the Spinster Aunts'. She would always send us postcards. She was my favourite aunt because she would always make time to play with us, and after we emigrated she would visit us on the Gold Coast and would play on the beach with my own children. I loved that she was always comfortable with herself and allowed herself to be who she was, and dress how she liked. She was inspirational to me and I have always loved this photo of her.

Even the kefir took a hit this week. I just had to feed it, no energy to bottle it - so we are running low! Just have to try again next week. The broth is on low and the nuts are about to be activated, and tomorrow is kombucha bottling day - yay! All ready for another week towards recovery. Only half a step back this time, but the next step looks like it is in slow motion. I know I am better than I was, I have to remind myself that. It still seems a long way to go; so I will take my eyes off everyone else's 'successes'  and focus on what this family needs. And remind myself that too! And give thanks.