How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One onerous, possibly distasteful bite at a time until it's done. Or you can figure out how to market Elephant Burgers... You get the point: Just Keep Swimming.

It is cold. Ok, so not Arctic. But I feel it. I struggle with circulation, and this house is cold. I find it painful and hard to move. And that is BEFORE you look at chronic fatigue, poor iron stores etc, etc...

So here I am in the middle of the afternoon (after trying to catch the only sun spot that reaches indoors long enough to make a difference!) trying to finish a bit of admin- ok, calling it what it is 'busywork- so that I feel like I've done something apart from cower with fatigue and frigidity'... And remind myself I am not, in fact, a waste of space. Because in my head I still cling to the idea that my intrinsic value is wrapped up in 'achievements and accomplishments' - of just about any kind really, apart from 'recovery', and it still pains me to have to try and accept that even though I look awesome (true story), I am by no means, normal. That 'one day I'll do a half marathon' dream (maybe not a good example of a 'normal' dream, how about 'one day I might be able to have a part time job *and* the housework,') may as well be 'one day I'll be a gazillionaire and own a couple of planets'. Not actually a dream I have, FTR. Giving myself a talking to, picking up by metaphorical bootstraps and  looking for that silver lining. Maybe I'll find it in a hot shower (and giving thanks for hot water after the system broke twice last month!).

In fact, I had another doctors appointment yesterday. I commented to my Significant Other (I have taken to bringing him along because my memory is so poor and at times I am a useless advocate for what I need,) that it was a relief to be reminded just how much my body struggles to cope with what is for other people 'normality', and the fact that I have anything burning on any level in any cylinder (not sure if that's a good analogy or even semi-correct use of that particular metaphor, but let's go with that. I'm tired.) is in fact, pretty good news. I am happy to say that iron levels are still abysmal, which is some justification for me not personifying Wonder Woman of late. (I have got a pretty cool Wonder Woman T-shirt though. Even if my daughter says I don't look much like her...) But on the up-side, he is going to try me with something that I should be able to better absorb, and also given me some glutathione to help, (especially over these continuing ups-and-downs-of-house-hunting months)  which I am REALLY looking forward to trying. I have high hopes, which has me immediately concerned.One more thing that might not work? I will try to stay optimistic.

I am also swinging between being kind to myself (so I don't get sick. -er.):

And wondering what the point of anything is:

Especially for the 'this sale falls through', 'that house goes under contract' game of ping-pong we are playing - I knew we would be living uncertainly for a couple of months, but now it looks like it could be double that. 

In the spirit of this blog - the purpose being to remind myself that I am doing things (even though I am behind with a few things - too cold to make kefir everyday now!), I am reminding myself that this week I completed another module. Yay me!

(NOT A PERFECT AVERAGE - AND HASN'T KILLED ME!)

And I am almost caught up with my short Italian course. I am trying to enjoy this instead of flogging myself to 'be correct' and over achieve (lol, trying to fight genetics!), and so far, it seems to be ok... Still, won't be giving flawless directions to hapless travelers for sometime. Possibly just as well that I only vicariously live in Italian movies...

I am honestly too cold to do much in the way of art (and the whole energy to sit/hold brush thing, that's ongoing); it is difficult to imagine shivering in a thick coat and blanket with gloves and trying to be creative. So I might hibernate for a bit and watch some videos and tutorials - plotting and planning.... Summer can't be THAT far off, can it? (You know, summer? When it's too hot to move...!?) Not a lot easier to wrap paintings in bubble wrap- but a little. And I have to give up coffee again! Which to mean sounds a little like an excuse to go and try heaps of exotic tea blends....

Where Did That Day Go?

I just completed the first test for the writing course I have signed up for - only 17 more modules to go!

Talk about daunting- well, for me. I haven't really been brave enough to try writing very much. (That, and along with the creative pursuits I want to do- it seems a little selfish given the amount of time and energy vs responsibilities I have...) I don't remember school being very helpful with teaching writing, or encouraging it- though I have always enjoyed it. What I mean is, and this is where this course is really helpful, there was never any indication of strength of interest (let alone talent!); if you showed an aptitude there was no direction or guidance given. (Perhaps I didn't show any, maybe that was the problem!) I recall a few kids being passionate about journalism, but I have always had trust issues with journalism, and it didn't grab me.

The 'English' electives (which were compulsory...) had a 'tick-the-box-you've-completed-this-lesson-move-on' kind of feel about it. One was required to do a few haiku, some soliloquies, a couple of book reports. I don't even remember learning how to write an essay well. Fortunately I picked up persuasive writing at college quickly enough to do well enough- suffice to say, what did I learn in those long hours at school?

 I'll be honest and say a great deal of what I learnt was how to get out of boring work with by doing the minimum requirement for a good grade, and then by some fluke (?) pass well enough in areas that did interest me to get a good overall grade; yet I couldn't specifically say what. Perhaps that has more to do with my memory than the caliber or passion of my English teachers. Only one I can actually picture, none of which I can name. In short, I can't say I was inspired anywhere!

 In fact, I DO recall clearly spending time with a friend - I can't recall which of us came up with this brilliant idea- in the sick bay on absolutely false pretenses (our nurse was a bit of a soft touch, and my friend was an exceptional actress. I think my effort was pretty much just to try not to giggle....). We spent at least one period- perhaps more if I recall correctly, and I am recalling three other times we bunked off right now; ah, happy days.., two when we were very nearly busted it was thrilling! Sorry, wandered off a bit there. So, we were in the sick bay and we spent a good few hours writing stories, reading them to each other, embellishing plot twists. A few illustrations. We did enjoy putting thoughts down and developing plots and characters in our own time, writing in each other's journals to pass the monotony, copying the odd bit of poetry or 'extremely moving and profound' (probably not so much, actually, in retrospect) song lyric that spoke exactly how our wise teenage selves felt. Thank goodness that over emotional/not so great judgement time of life is well in the past... Good thing blogger didn't exist back then otherwise I would have spilled verbiage all over the Internet (which also didn't exist then - shhhh!) and probably looked back unimpressed with how impressed with myself I had been. I am sure you're not like that....


So this writing module. It covered brilliantly helpful information such as:

• Practical elements in a story (such as planning, choosing a setting and viewpoint etc)
• Artistic attributes (including how to develop main characters, add contrast and develop conflict)
• How to pitch your story and write a synopsis, then develop a chapter map

and many other very helpful bits of advice. And that was just the first module! So I am quite excited. And daunted. Did I mention that? It is clearly designed for people with a little more confidence in their ability than moi, but I will persevere, because who knows?

Finally, I was excited (it doesn't take much) to discover that the YouVersion Bible app I use has a function where you can highlight a verse that may have struck you in your readings (as this one did this morning) and add a background to it. I know you can do (and I do) this in apps such as Phonto, but this was convenient as it was all in the program and I could go straight back to where I was reading. A kind of cheats version of Bible Journalling! And I do love this photo, makes me homesick :)

I have also been working on creative prompts and classes, and have a few in various stages of completion; none yet ready for posting- but I MUST do some organising today or I will not cope for the rest of the week. I need some sort of order out of the chaos that is slowly building around this place for my sanity's sake. Interestingly, creativity is wonderful for peace of mind, but the tasks that go undone while I take that time rob that same peace! It is a fine balance and something I have struggled to balance for many years. That being said, I started carving some stamps last night and only gave up because the light was so bad- better watch out, it could become an addictive habit! 

Not a New Years Resolution.

NOT a New Years Resolution

This is NOT a New Years Resolution; I don't really believe in them. I did think about it over New Years. Pondered. Deliberated. However I consider that, very much the same as starting things on Mondays - diets, projects, generally distasteful endeavors, I'll find an excuse for maybe starting the next Monday, or any other time. Essentially a New Years Resolution is an opportunity, a challenge to reschedule an unsavory (or, let's be honest, potentially discomforting) beginning. By the same token, procrastinating can prevent failure... And I am likely to contradict myself at some point. Possibly more than once. Vainly I justify my whimsy by claiming to read widely enough as to seem indecisive, changing viewpoints (though generally not fundamental starting points)  when a deeper understanding or revelation is discovered or made clear. I think that is growth. And inconsistencies. I am consistently inconsistent. Not sure if that makes me consistent of not....?! It used to bother me a lot. I am much more forgiving (mostly of myself- I seem to need it most) these days.

Growth

I used to think it was important, to remain rigidly rooted in my position, unwavering, wary that an open mind was to be viewed with suspicion, as someone too changeable. Graceless much?  I have come to realize that one can remain faithful in the core, with room for change- tweaking, improvement, even?  Simply, some things are black and white, others aren't. I don't mean to sound preachy. Just musing. And FTR, my memory is not what it was. In the same way I am not who I was I don't necessarily believe what I used to believe. Even if I said it. To you. And meant it at the time. And if I need to apologize (and have forgotten all about it probably!) I am really sorry.

And I love this quote. Not that I am claiming to be a great mind, but I recognise that growth doesn't happen without questioning what we are told and adjusting our thoughts and behaviours accordingly. Not asking anyone to agree!

And before the open mind/umbrella quotes spring to mind- I don't advocate accepting everything you are told or taught. 'Open' does not mean accepting of every belief- though most people think you have to accept theirs, or the current philosophical or politically correct propaganda taken by the government/scientists/media etc. Bunkum. It may make you more popular or make life more comfortable for you. But it might also make you a little more stupid. I don't mean to sound judgemental. It is very easy to be fooled in this day and age full of trolls and a media- well, I won't start on the media. Critical thinking isn't really taught. or talked about. And it is very hard to let go of things you've trusted for years. It doesn't make you less of a person for thinking about why you believe xyz and how you came to that position.That said, I don't believe there is one truth for me and one for you. Truth is truth, and tolerance is not tolerance if you don't believe that I can believe that, lol. But we all walk it out.

Vanity, all is vanity. The trick is to finding meaning and hope in it all.

More Small Beginnings

I'm also really not big on goal setting. Really. Contrarily, I am anxious without a plan. Sponteneity sounds so wonderfully romantic, and to a point I tried to love it when I was younger- but I'm just not spontaneous. I have a small capacity to do spontaneous things when I am well, but it is a rare and infrequent thing, not a strong personality trait. And that's ok. Even if it sounds less romantic and more practical. Even if it makes me cringe a little to admit it. I like my lists and I like checking them off. My to-do list is waaaaay too long and will never be complete- because I need a work in progress, or there is no meaning. No motivation - weeeelll not quite none, but it makes getting out of bed - already difficult with fatigue, a bit harder for me. What's the point? But being prepared as much as one can be (perspective here: dear hubby considers me much less organized than I like to think I am- to be fair, different priorities. And he is pretty impressively organized. I love that he is so reliable- to me that is a huge tick!) doesn't slide me into the goal setters camp. Au contrarie, I resist the 'slide', holding on to the last shreds of unaccountability I can grasp. Because although I love making my lists, checking them more than twice, (tad forgetful on occasion too) I consider myself unreliable. Not that I can't do things, or do things well enough, but my body has let me down often enough that my intrinsic yearning to be 'of use', to be well regarded, and to be productive has gone into a - hopefully temporarily - survival mode where I must not agree to XYZ in case 'something' happens. Usually because of fatigue, (chronic fatigue caused by a long list of health problems and for another post. Maybe.) which often communicates 'she's too tired to help, she must be a bit lazy'. And TBH, that's really hurtful. I get it, and I possibly imagine/put words into people's mouths, but it truly grieves me to think that people might think I'm lazy. Often I overcompensate when I do commit to something and it makes the fatigue- and consequently the recovery, worse, so I must let it go. Somehow. But not volunteering in the first place seems to be my go to default position.

Goal setting tips just trigger guilt for me. No matter what the advice I always seem to read: you should have tried harder, you just didn't want it enough (possibly true...) etc. And I don't need that. Stated, implied or in my own imagination. So long as I keep moving forward, I am learning to be happier with that. Dates are not something that should stress me out. I see the need for deadlines in some areas, but in my line of work I can afford to be more flexible, and I owe it to my physical and mental health- not to mention my family, to not sweat the small stuff, and recognise that in the Grand Scheme, most of it is small stuff. For big stuff, I need to make changes sure. Identify them, then implement them. If it is within my power- which for me means energy and budget. But if I don't do xyz by said date, does that make me- what? A failure? Less of a person? I prefer to skip that whole step and just keep swimming.

Your Point?

So. You may have noticed, if you are still with me, that I do tend to waffle on. I process as I write, lol and then change my mind! So in essence, this blog - and I don't consider myself a blogger, more of a diarist? is to process, to track progress. To reflect and redirect. To try new things and change, and then change again if I come to that conclusion.

To that end, I am trying a little self accountability here- though my life seriously has enough plot twists that things are often sent off track and sometimes never recover or find their way back. And sometimes that's ok too. But, in the spirit of hopefulness (hope, that word again) I am trying a few things this year, either new, or differently.

• Wanderlust - a delightfully talented and lovely friend (whom you can see over here at newly creative) who encourages me more than she realises, gifted me a subscription to Wanderlust. I have no idea how much I will be able to keep up with, but I am going to try!
• Made Tribe- with more lovely friends, and co-ordinated by the delightful Anna K at Anna K Originals who is just lovely y'all. Guaranteed to make me smile with a (what I call) Miranda reference :)

• Writing - no details yet, but I am signing up to a writing course. Always dreamed of illustrating a book, so why not write one too? In my, you know, spare time...
• His Kingdom Come -  with Take Me Deeper DNA and Logos365. This got seriously derailed last year due to a big move and very poor health, but good to be involved in. 
• Unschool - Yep, trying to transition from an eclectic homeschool style to a more unschooling approach. TBH, I think this will be my biggest challenge, and I'm not sure I can go full unschool. I love the idea and philosophy, but don't know if I can trust ourselves (ok, myself) - which means it will be more stressful until I can overcome that. We will probably do a little Charlotte Mason so I don't develop a tick..  BUT, it's all just more learning really, isn't it- so can't *really* fail!? 
• Healing - I am just over a year into healing from chronic/adrenal fatigue (ie, fatigue caused by fatigued adrenals and myriad other factors), with a host of other complications. Adrenal fatigue is really the symptom of other, more tricky to manage problems. Potentially a long road ahead with expensive natural health doctors, so many pills and supplements and lifestyle adjustments. Here's the thing- I am making a HUGE (for me) and ambitious list here, and the caveat is: I can't deal with stress. My body, on a PHYSICAL level, can't deal with stress. ANY stress. I can't watch the news, or scroll facebook, or look outside- even thinking can set off crippling anxiety. So I have to avoid it as much as I can. Which is one reason I play far too many computer games- all about mindless distraction. Sadly I can't concentrate as well as I used to so I can't read as much as I want (My 'to-read' pile is really a bookshelf. Not just one shelf). But I have found doing some art and listening to a helpful podcast is therapeutic, so I will be trying more of that this year. And continue praying for a miracle. I would like to do the GAPS diet too, but not sure I have the energy for that much work. I am sure it would benefit us but I think the timing might not be quite right. One small change at a time eh? I am hoping to learn fermenting (kombucha, kefir, krauts, kvass, etc) this month - I am really looking forward to that.
• Bible Reading - Last year I decided to do a 'Bible in 90 Days' challenge, which I was too tired to sit up and read for most of it, so I listened to it instead. It was awesome! It encouraged me a great deal and reawakened a love for scripture that I had lost - it is difficult to be enthusiastic about reading when you have trouble sitting up and concentrating, and most of my energy is used on just getting through the day- so I guess I must be a little better at least? So I have uploaded a Bible in One Year program on an app I have- smaller and easier to manage. And I have found that I need it. If I am feeling anxious or have trouble sleeping (high anxiety and insomnia are also symptoms I have) then I am finding, for the first time in a long time, that reading the Word is truly comforting me. I couldn't even tell you how, but when I wake and as I go to bed, I want to read it. It is a good, good thing to have Him lead you to desire more of His Word and I am truly grateful.

And the best thing about these plans? They are not goals. If I don't do them- the world isn't going to stop! If I don't paint or write, I can do it another day. If I don't get better- well, it's not for lack of trying and it doesn't make me less important or a failure. I can just keep swimming. Another thing about this particular list, is that they are things that all feed me, encourage me or improve my life in one way or another.