Chipped Off

By Evan-Amos - Own work, Public Domain

I've done it. I've left it so long between post because I was too tired - and didn't make notes, and now it looks - to me - that I haven't done anything, and that's exactly the opposite of the point if this blog. Insert unhappy emjoi.

 And before you know it you're in the tail end of the month! Close to the mid year point! I tend to panic like that. You may have noticed.

On the surface it looks (without much digging) like there is 'not a lot' to report. I am still plodding away with the kefir and kombucha (hopefully getting my kombucha crock in May, how exciting!), adapting recipes - sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much... And school holidays are over, so we are trying to find our groove again. Trouble is, the kids have had some awesome imaginative play it has been very difficult to get and book work done; but then I think of Charlotte Mason and 'busywork', and remind myself that though they aren't learning what the national programmers think is what they should be learning at this specific, exact age, I can see what they are learning and how they are growing and interests they are developing, and that is good. Some days that is easier for me to accept than others! And it always helps when they come out and say something like: 'Mum, I just finished the Harry Potter series!', 'Mum, I've just re-read The Odyssey (because I liked it so much)', 'Mum, we need to go back to the library...', 'Mum, give me the radius of a circle and I'll tell you the area,', 'Mum, I figured out why my model boat won't float,', 'Mum, I did my washing!' I especially like this last one... 

The possibility to go orienteering this week was a great motivator for doing the things we'd rather not be doing - I love motivators. Removal of screen privileges is great when it works as a motivator rather than a punishment; but if it is a consequence for one reason or another I live with that.It is so much quieter when they aren't squabbling over who got longer on the computer or who had the audacity to watch over my shoulder during MY turn (or was stupid enough to make a noise and get caught by sibling), and that is when their 'better' play time happens. 'I can't play XYZ, so I may as well play with a sibling...' And that's where we get them - as they have this past fortnight - building film sets and creating movies, making elaborate sets for crashes and dramatic rescues in the garden - usually involving a hose.., building 'habitats' (we had a jungle, a marine environment and a savanna in the lounge last week - at the same time, of course), or a full on three-ring circus with tigers and tiger tamers. It's so awesome when they forget to be annoyed by each other because they are too busy enjoying one another's company. I am writing this because I know one day (possibly soon) I will have to remind them that they do, actually, in fact, for real, like each other. Shhh! It's also awesome now that the older ones are showing the fruit of years of teaching housework skills. It is quite amazing when I don't have to 1) do it (everything!) myself , or 2) have to re-do it! It was either 1) do some washing and put some things away, or 2) leave it for mum to do and she'll be too tired to go to orienteering (yes, those spoons again). And they stepped up, and we had a lovely time orienteering. And I am so glad I didn't make concrete plans for the rest of the week because I am very tired! And it's a long weekend ahead of more house hunting. Which brings us to the 'chips' photo.

We need to move. Moving takes a lot out of me. Last time I had an adrenal crash. That was not fun. It took me three months to prepare for a move and three months to get over it. I'd really like to not have to do that again, so I am trying to be careful. Considering we have had five moves in six years - this will be the seventh, I am feeling tired just thinking about it. Anyway, it has to be done. So we have been doing weekend reconnaissance. Scoping out suburbs - most especially for noise! We load up the kids, some snacks and our list and off we go. Last time we grabbed some snacks at the shop on the way. And of course there is next to nothing 'snacky' I can buy - convenience food for the food challenged will involved at least chopping some vegetables. I had had a big lunch so thought I would be ok, I usually am, but i got peckish. And looked longingly at the (delicious smelling) chips hubby and kidlets were sharing. I glanced over the ingredients - eyes a bit glazed from everything that day, saw there were a few dodgy things buuuuut mostly ok? I figured at worst gluten might give me IBS, but one way to find out. So I had a few...

Ingredients:

Potatoes, sunflower oil, sugar, vegetable oil, salt, sour cream powder, onion powder, corn starch, yeast extract ,dextrin, food acids (sodium diacetate, citric acid, lactic acid), buttermilk powder, spices (chilli, paprika, black pepper), hydrolysed vegetable protein, maltodextrin, garlic powder, natural colours (cochineael, caramel, paprika extract), natural flavours.

Contains gluten. Milk or milk products, soybeans or soybean products.

Within half an hour I had a headache and stiff neck. Within an hour I had sore kidneys - hello?? And that evening I felt like I had a flu - sore muscles, hot and cold flushes.... Sooooo I have learned my lesson and won't be doing that again! Will have to pack better for this weekends searching! 

So what has been filling our time and making me feel like I haven't 'achieved' anything?

Mademoiselle is learning to make muesli; I suspect mastery is some time off, but we have that time. We also enjoyed the Sound of Music on stage; plenty to say about that but I'll spare you. We had a wonderful time and even got to wander through the art gallery before we had to come back to 'real life' and collect the others! Young Sir is learning to make breakfasts that don't contain gluten, grains or sugars. When you consider Young Sir has ASD, that is pretty impressive. I am very proud of him. Younger Sirs, well, I am glad I have taken some photos. We have spent the day I started this post learning about the Boers, geometry and grammar, making more kefirs and broth and I *even* got to start a canvas. The kids have done some great art and crafts too. It rained on two days, but only AFTER we had managed to bring in the washing - without 'that' panic:

And we had some great talks about faith with the kids - you know, when they are listening and responsive! So after further reflection and looking through my diary and photos I can say that all in all, these past few weeks have been productive in a positive way, and I am grateful. And today, even though I feel wrung out, I feel a bit more peaceful. But I will be spending the night on the sofa semi comatose. And watch North and South if I can muster the energy.

A bridge had collapsed.... heroes required.

Vocab Testing - doing well so mum relaxing more!

Initial sketch - where will this lead?

Arty kefir shot. The colours of the raspberries seeping into the kefir just looked so pretty...

Learning to Relax?

So it is an interesting kind of time. We have been flat out with co-ops and classes and visits and fairs and seem to have been out a great deal. Which ordinarily would necessitate a few days recovery after each outing... and it hasn't - this time. And I am sleeping better. Earlier. Still feeling tired, but not that complete exhaustion that is CFS.I have had to lie down once or twice when I didn't feel I could think let alone talk, but I haven't been wrung out to that level I am accustomed to. And it leaves me hopeful. It has only been a fortnight I have been noticing this - and I am anxious to believe it is a sign of healing - in case it isn't, but it has been great. I am not hugely energetic (I can't remember what that feels like - I remember a long time ago getting a lot done, but I can't remember for the life of me how it feels to want to get up and go for a run etc), but over Easter we went on two really big walks; one in the bush and one on the beach (how I miss the beach...) And though I literally fell into bed in those evenings, it felt good. A good kind of tired - like I'd earned it. Which may sound cray cray, but to muggins, that is a really big deal. Tired because of time and energy (well) spent - not exhaustion for no apparent reason. I didn't feel robbed.

As far as measurable achievements have gone, it has been a profitable fortnight. 

Probably top of my excitement list was bottling my first few bottles of 'booch'. Peach and ginger, raspberry and lime, and lemon and ginger. And I have to say - much much better than the stuff I've bought from the health food shops or cafes. Can't brew it fast enough to keep me happy. Thank goodness I have kefir to supplement it! My grains are doing well and I am pleased. There were a couple of days it wasn't looking so good, then I remembered we'd been out and I'd forgotten to feed them (I didn't have time to bottle any). So a bit more sugar etc and they are happy again. Just put down some lime and passion fruit bottles - looking forward to seeing how that one tastes... patience....!

And I was thrilled to be able to gift my first scoby baby :) 

Rollercoaster

 Up. Down. Really down. Life with chronic illness is like a box of chocolates. And so much unpredictable, unavoidable stress; I am not well enough to find a plan to help me cope yet, so until then, rest - rest -rest - if I can, and more waiting. So life is often a combination of small flurries of activity followed by long, frustrating stretches on the sofa. On a depression level this fortnight has been horrendous. And pain. Most of the time ok - certainly not as bad as many people, but it's there.

 Usually life is like this:

This week, there was some of this:

Always this:

And I am always beating myself up about 'complaining'. In a world that doesn't like to hear about the not-so-pleasant realities of life, I have to remind myself - and maybe share with some people who think others complain too much, we are entitled to grieve. Being honest is not being negative or complaining, we are trying to make sense of what we are going through. Yes everyone is going through stuff, but being constantly tired and feeling like you're about to lose the plot, or in pain - it's kinda not how you planned to be a 'productive member of society'. It is not wrong to mourn losing 'that person' that you were working to be. I still think that person is just around the corner, but what if they're not? Then you need to grieve a little more. There isn't a date stamp.

Not knowing when you're going to have energy to mop the floors again is good insentive to mop them while you can; but then you notice the dust, the oven, the washing pile... Before you know it that energy is gone. It is a lot like a video game - watching the 'energy bar' going down and trying to choose the 'most important' task out of the fifty you'd like to get done. Art doesn't usually make the cut unfortunately; it doesn't feed or clothe anyone (yet?) so it is not in the top ten.

See Cressie Grow

 I am fully convinced of all the health benefits of fermented drinks, but one has to wonder: who looked at this and thought "I think I'll try drinking that." ???

Posting photos of my 'baby' online- that's what you do, right? Looking forward to topping her up later this week. Meanwhile enjoying some beautiful lemon kefir while I wait to learn to make that too; class toward the end of the month - 

SUCH FUN!

A Word in Season

 

Like apples  of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances 

Prov 25:11

This post has taken me a week of reflection and investigation, rather deeper than I intended information wise, and I will be glad to have shared it, but it has taken rather a lot more time than I hoped. Not for the first time I wonder if fatigue will make me more patient. Then I laugh....

It's been a rough few weeks health wise. In fact I am typing lying down as I lack the strength to sit at the computer- to even get off the couch right at this moment. It is frustratingly unproductive. The thing is, I don't look sick. I might look tired sometimes. But it is easy to forget- I even forget, that I am sick. And I expect to be able to act 'like normal' (though I'm not exactly sure what that is- can any of us define normal?), or perhaps I expect to be able to get what I plan to get done, done. And other people don't realise I am ill either- which is understandable, and I feel like I am letting down their (probably imagined!) expectations of what I am able to actually achieve. Which all sounds a little crazy and goes back to me feeling like I am (and 'surely everyone must think so') lazy.