How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One onerous, possibly distasteful bite at a time until it's done. Or you can figure out how to market Elephant Burgers... You get the point: Just Keep Swimming.

It is cold. Ok, so not Arctic. But I feel it. I struggle with circulation, and this house is cold. I find it painful and hard to move. And that is BEFORE you look at chronic fatigue, poor iron stores etc, etc...

So here I am in the middle of the afternoon (after trying to catch the only sun spot that reaches indoors long enough to make a difference!) trying to finish a bit of admin- ok, calling it what it is 'busywork- so that I feel like I've done something apart from cower with fatigue and frigidity'... And remind myself I am not, in fact, a waste of space. Because in my head I still cling to the idea that my intrinsic value is wrapped up in 'achievements and accomplishments' - of just about any kind really, apart from 'recovery', and it still pains me to have to try and accept that even though I look awesome (true story), I am by no means, normal. That 'one day I'll do a half marathon' dream (maybe not a good example of a 'normal' dream, how about 'one day I might be able to have a part time job *and* the housework,') may as well be 'one day I'll be a gazillionaire and own a couple of planets'. Not actually a dream I have, FTR. Giving myself a talking to, picking up by metaphorical bootstraps and  looking for that silver lining. Maybe I'll find it in a hot shower (and giving thanks for hot water after the system broke twice last month!).

In fact, I had another doctors appointment yesterday. I commented to my Significant Other (I have taken to bringing him along because my memory is so poor and at times I am a useless advocate for what I need,) that it was a relief to be reminded just how much my body struggles to cope with what is for other people 'normality', and the fact that I have anything burning on any level in any cylinder (not sure if that's a good analogy or even semi-correct use of that particular metaphor, but let's go with that. I'm tired.) is in fact, pretty good news. I am happy to say that iron levels are still abysmal, which is some justification for me not personifying Wonder Woman of late. (I have got a pretty cool Wonder Woman T-shirt though. Even if my daughter says I don't look much like her...) But on the up-side, he is going to try me with something that I should be able to better absorb, and also given me some glutathione to help, (especially over these continuing ups-and-downs-of-house-hunting months)  which I am REALLY looking forward to trying. I have high hopes, which has me immediately concerned.One more thing that might not work? I will try to stay optimistic.

I am also swinging between being kind to myself (so I don't get sick. -er.):

And wondering what the point of anything is:

Especially for the 'this sale falls through', 'that house goes under contract' game of ping-pong we are playing - I knew we would be living uncertainly for a couple of months, but now it looks like it could be double that. 

In the spirit of this blog - the purpose being to remind myself that I am doing things (even though I am behind with a few things - too cold to make kefir everyday now!), I am reminding myself that this week I completed another module. Yay me!

(NOT A PERFECT AVERAGE - AND HASN'T KILLED ME!)

And I am almost caught up with my short Italian course. I am trying to enjoy this instead of flogging myself to 'be correct' and over achieve (lol, trying to fight genetics!), and so far, it seems to be ok... Still, won't be giving flawless directions to hapless travelers for sometime. Possibly just as well that I only vicariously live in Italian movies...

I am honestly too cold to do much in the way of art (and the whole energy to sit/hold brush thing, that's ongoing); it is difficult to imagine shivering in a thick coat and blanket with gloves and trying to be creative. So I might hibernate for a bit and watch some videos and tutorials - plotting and planning.... Summer can't be THAT far off, can it? (You know, summer? When it's too hot to move...!?) Not a lot easier to wrap paintings in bubble wrap- but a little. And I have to give up coffee again! Which to mean sounds a little like an excuse to go and try heaps of exotic tea blends....

Learning to Relax?

So it is an interesting kind of time. We have been flat out with co-ops and classes and visits and fairs and seem to have been out a great deal. Which ordinarily would necessitate a few days recovery after each outing... and it hasn't - this time. And I am sleeping better. Earlier. Still feeling tired, but not that complete exhaustion that is CFS.I have had to lie down once or twice when I didn't feel I could think let alone talk, but I haven't been wrung out to that level I am accustomed to. And it leaves me hopeful. It has only been a fortnight I have been noticing this - and I am anxious to believe it is a sign of healing - in case it isn't, but it has been great. I am not hugely energetic (I can't remember what that feels like - I remember a long time ago getting a lot done, but I can't remember for the life of me how it feels to want to get up and go for a run etc), but over Easter we went on two really big walks; one in the bush and one on the beach (how I miss the beach...) And though I literally fell into bed in those evenings, it felt good. A good kind of tired - like I'd earned it. Which may sound cray cray, but to muggins, that is a really big deal. Tired because of time and energy (well) spent - not exhaustion for no apparent reason. I didn't feel robbed.

As far as measurable achievements have gone, it has been a profitable fortnight. 

Probably top of my excitement list was bottling my first few bottles of 'booch'. Peach and ginger, raspberry and lime, and lemon and ginger. And I have to say - much much better than the stuff I've bought from the health food shops or cafes. Can't brew it fast enough to keep me happy. Thank goodness I have kefir to supplement it! My grains are doing well and I am pleased. There were a couple of days it wasn't looking so good, then I remembered we'd been out and I'd forgotten to feed them (I didn't have time to bottle any). So a bit more sugar etc and they are happy again. Just put down some lime and passion fruit bottles - looking forward to seeing how that one tastes... patience....!

And I was thrilled to be able to gift my first scoby baby :) 

Celebrating Little Things

So for exactly one year today I have been brushing up my Portuguese daily on Duolingo. I generally average 60XP a day, which is probably a bit more than I really have time to do well; I kind of rush through it- BUT, it is still 365 days (ok, bar one- I skipped it on my birthday- I had enough credits to buy a 'freeze' for a day,) straight, which is, for me, impressive in it's consistency. Especially considering the big events and my overall health this past year! And even if it's just me impressed, that is fine! I am stoked.

 So apparently I am now 7% fluent. Which sounds a little depressing really, because I speak it almost as well as when I lived in Brazil (which was over twenty years ago now, yikes!). But then, it does cover a LOT of subjects I wouldn't have normally conversed about as a teenager, such as scientific topics and politics; generally we were more interested in music, dancing, parties, beaches- Carnival....  Needless to say I had few responsibilities at that time! I will probably say this more than once here: Brazil. Is. Awesome. I have a deep love for all (almost) all things Brazilian, and my ears prick up when I hear Portuguese being spoken... I have been known to stop walking, lean against a wall (or post, what ever is closest and gives me a little cover!), close my eyes and eavesdrop on conversations, trying to pick the regional accent, enjoying the timbre.... I don't mean to be rude- I don't intend to hear private details, but the beauty of hearing it and the thrill of understanding some is just too, too tempting. Especially as it is not often heard where I have lived since I lived there. I know it would probably be more polite etc to pause and say 'Hello' etc, but as strange as it sounds, I don't want to interrupt anyone- is it worse to make it known you've overheard their conversation or just to listen covertly?? I really don't like disrupting people...

So. My question now, is, do I continue? Do I press in and try and make another 365 day run? What if I fail?? And maybe I should try a bit harder and do ANOTHER language- but which one?? And what if I fail at THAT? Goodness! So much opportunity to not 'do-things-right'! Perhaps I could tone down the Portuguese, I mean, do slightly less, and pick up one, maybe Italian? at a similarly slower rate? I am a little shy of doing another Romantic language, as I have tried Spanish before (I thought it would be easier as I can pick up a general gist of what is being said by ear) but then everything I said I found I was adding either Portuguese words, conjugating as if they were Portuguese or pronouncing with a (North-East) Brazilian accent! And my crazy paradigm is that, really, to keep it 'seamless' (?!), I *should* start TODAY, or at latest, tomorrow- which leaves me little time to decide. Believe me, I have been ruminating for a few weeks on this now, deciding by tomorrow is making me feel a little panicky- which is crazy, right? What is going to happen if I don't start tomorrow? The Butterfly Effect- global catastrophe?! Goodness. I have an excuse for my extra paranoia today, not that it matters what that is, but it doesn't make anything any easier to deal with unfortunately.

And so, I will adopt my usual approach to dealing with stressful (I know, stress is relative and my glass is overflowing right now) situations or choices- distraction!