Feeling Lost And Found

Up and down crests, rolling with the ebb and flow - occasionally panicking that I might drown, but generally trying to keep in peace. It's all happened this month.

There is just so much on. I am supposed to be having a rest today (must spray legs with magnesium oil, too much walking!) but it is nearly lunch time and I am only just catching up on admin- haven't managed to shower or eat yet - and my to do list is looking a bit daunting, and it's not even that big or unpleasant! Dousing myself in rosemary oil today in a bid to have some mental clarity. Can't say it's been 100% effective, but look what it had to work with...

That Familiar Feeling

So, we still haven't found a house. I know it isn't as urgent as it has been in the past, but it's still stressful when you have no energy. We have had so many people come through and look in the past week that I am worn out just from asking the kids to pick up XYZ etc so it doesn't look like we live in a perpetual whirlwind. Which we usually do. And that shouldn't be anyone else's business. Anyway. I have managed to pack four whole boxes! Go me. And I don't know what to pack next - will we need it in the next 'undefined period of time'? Will it take me longer than half an hour to sort and pack before I have to make dinner/get washing/teach next lesson - or heaven forbid, have a cup of tea and five minutes to myself?? Certainly have to move; we have had to make a formal noise complaint about the neighbours, and today I have been doing my admin with my sons noise cancelling headphones on and some music playing quietly to drown out the noise. All. Day. (and it's Sunday - no days off!) Oh for some peace an quiet!  *breathe*...!!! Complain, grizzle, moan - done now! Onto better things as I pour myself some kombucha....

So in this past month (aiyaiyai, where is my time going?) I saved up some Spoons and hubby and I shuffled timetables, energy and kidlets to enable me to go to the most AMAZING art class I have ever been to. Really. I have enjoyed many others, of course, and learned from them, but the combination of skills and techniques I learnt here, combined with the topic or theme, and the experiences of the ladies in the class, not to mention the gorgeous, most encouraging and empowering teacher - I have not fallen into bed after such a rewarding, fulfilling, edifying and supporting day in I can't remember how long.

Which leads me to introduce Shelley McDonald. (Seriously, follow her on facebook!).

I was blessed to be a part of her Frida Khalo Still Life class. Can you say - 'Le Freaking AWESOME!'??

 With Shelley's gracious permission, I have included a collage of a *tiny* amount of the GORGEOUS objets d'art available to  incorporate into our still life. I think this was probably the hardest part, deciding which objects to not include - as delicious as the were!

For obvious reasons I won't go into detail on how this technique is achieved, but I am glad I got some photos of the process because the process sort of ambles along and you think 'I guess this is going ok...', until almost the very end, when you go - 'Holy Moley! That's freaking awesome!' I know, I know, I have been saying that a lot. And bless her heart, Shelley was very encouraging along the whole way - especially where you start to question your decisions; and so helpful with advice and suggestions. Very grateful.

Not to mention several of the women had health and/or family situations similar to mine and there were some very empowering and educational discussions. I can't tell you how wonderful that was. It has been such a long time (three years +) since I have been able to paint and create with anyone, it was truly food for my soul. And to have people not look at me when I explain my health as if I have grown another head or something similar. *breathe*

Blinging wee touches of gold leaf - SUCH FUN!

And here is my baby. It is not finished - I have a few things to touch up (as ever, right?) but I have not had the strength to hold a brush this past week in my 'spare time'. I am as pleased as punch with her. Obviously it's a she. And I am really looking forward to finishing her off - then packing her up to hang in my new home, wherever it is - it had better have an ideal spot for her! I am honestly vetting every property we look at by a rigid check list, starting with: Will my kefirs and kombucha babies fit in/near the kitchen? These things are right up there with sunlight and PEACE AND QUIET!

Prelim sketch for another one...

What else have we been up to? (There must be more, MORE! Then remembers she would rather simplify, and tells herself to settle down. Again.)

Well, I spent a cool morning with my friends making felt soaps. These, and many other things I do are the creative babies of This Mama Made.

Then another gorgeous morning with her making -Da-da-da-daaaaaaaa (so excited) felted dreadlocks! This was seriously awesome. I have always wanted dreadlocks. Maybe one day. Such fun, and therapeutic too.

Sketch I made for Wonderlust Challenge - it was a challenge indeed- Why did I choose hands??

In fact, I am looking forward in anticipation to another felting workshop with her this week to make felted pods. Pictures to come. Hopefully. I. Can't. Wait. And it's also awesome (that word again...) that I get to make them sitting down - phew!

Oodles of chicken broth? Check.

'Booch Experiment: Cacao nibs, cinnamon, vanilla, ginger, chilli, cardamon and cloves...

Yeah baby. Will be making this again in larger amounts! (Durant crocks ordered this week - HOORAY!) It slips over your tongue, slaps you around the uvula and says 'Hello! Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you - have a bit more..' then does it again! In a good way. A reeeeaaally good way. 

And the usual suspects: Water kefir (experimenting with mango and mint, pomegranate and lime, and grapefruit flavours this week, yeah baby), 'booch (building my SCOBYs and waiting for my crocks!), kefir cheese (which I may have left a bit too long this week as it can almost put hair on your chest... bit strong but pretty delish stirred through the huge amounts of slow cooker meals I have been making this week - big energy saving strategy!), muesli for an army (goodness, must soak some more nuts and buckinis - never ending!), broth, and my new regular: gummies! 

Seriously, where have they been all my life? I had to adapt the water-to-gelatin ratio to suit me better, but these Supercharged Peanut Butter Fudge are a hit, and these Coconut Marshmallow gummies are wicked, seriously good, stirred through a hot chocolate (made with Greens Organic Dark Chocolate, *sigh*). Have to try these ones next....

And you know I have such a problem about feeling lazy due to my lack of visible accomplishments (among friends, right?) that I tend to over commit. Because, packing up a house and everything else isn't enough for someone with energy problems.... So I sort of made a compromise. Sort of, because it's still work, but I can, for the most part, do it horizontally- which ticks a lot of boxes. Still nothing 'visible' to show for it, but at least the grey matter is working. A bit.

I have just completed a three week course on Food as Medicine from Monash University (which was a little disappointing TBH), and am currently doing two other courses through futurelearn.com, which for the most part I am enjoying. One is Beginners Italian, which I am loving, the other, is Propaganda and Ideology, which can be a little frustrating, as you can imagine (especially as an INFJ/INFP - depends on the day and hormones it seems...) anywhoo- I *might* not complete that one; its six weeks long and there are already a bunch of people rubbing me the wrong way, and I don't need that crap :) But I have the freedom to make that choice, so that is nice. Just have to override the 'don't leave things unfinished' gene. Which looking at the rest of my life is fair to imagine that shouldn't be too difficult...

And I haven't done any writing course for over a month! *it's OK, it's OK*.... 

And I am also going to post this BEFORE I edit it properly, because I may never do it and that is worse than bad proofreading. GASP - who said that?

Rollercoaster

 Up. Down. Really down. Life with chronic illness is like a box of chocolates. And so much unpredictable, unavoidable stress; I am not well enough to find a plan to help me cope yet, so until then, rest - rest -rest - if I can, and more waiting. So life is often a combination of small flurries of activity followed by long, frustrating stretches on the sofa. On a depression level this fortnight has been horrendous. And pain. Most of the time ok - certainly not as bad as many people, but it's there.

 Usually life is like this:

This week, there was some of this:

Always this:

And I am always beating myself up about 'complaining'. In a world that doesn't like to hear about the not-so-pleasant realities of life, I have to remind myself - and maybe share with some people who think others complain too much, we are entitled to grieve. Being honest is not being negative or complaining, we are trying to make sense of what we are going through. Yes everyone is going through stuff, but being constantly tired and feeling like you're about to lose the plot, or in pain - it's kinda not how you planned to be a 'productive member of society'. It is not wrong to mourn losing 'that person' that you were working to be. I still think that person is just around the corner, but what if they're not? Then you need to grieve a little more. There isn't a date stamp.

Not knowing when you're going to have energy to mop the floors again is good insentive to mop them while you can; but then you notice the dust, the oven, the washing pile... Before you know it that energy is gone. It is a lot like a video game - watching the 'energy bar' going down and trying to choose the 'most important' task out of the fifty you'd like to get done. Art doesn't usually make the cut unfortunately; it doesn't feed or clothe anyone (yet?) so it is not in the top ten.

A Word in Season

 

Like apples  of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances 

Prov 25:11

This post has taken me a week of reflection and investigation, rather deeper than I intended information wise, and I will be glad to have shared it, but it has taken rather a lot more time than I hoped. Not for the first time I wonder if fatigue will make me more patient. Then I laugh....

It's been a rough few weeks health wise. In fact I am typing lying down as I lack the strength to sit at the computer- to even get off the couch right at this moment. It is frustratingly unproductive. The thing is, I don't look sick. I might look tired sometimes. But it is easy to forget- I even forget, that I am sick. And I expect to be able to act 'like normal' (though I'm not exactly sure what that is- can any of us define normal?), or perhaps I expect to be able to get what I plan to get done, done. And other people don't realise I am ill either- which is understandable, and I feel like I am letting down their (probably imagined!) expectations of what I am able to actually achieve. Which all sounds a little crazy and goes back to me feeling like I am (and 'surely everyone must think so') lazy. 

Week the First

As predicted, fatigue is preventing me from getting as much done as I would like, still, things are slowly moving forward and for that I am grateful. Though this does not look like much, I must remind myself that I have also watched a few hours of tutorials (which, while I need to rest is both a blessing and a frustration- I'd rather be doing something myself than watching someone else, but at least it's not time wasted?) and course material, done a fair amount of reading, bible study, reflection and planning. There has also been more insomnia than usual which has been less than helpful. On the plus side, I have had more dream recall and slightly less anxiety, which are both signs that my body is responding well to new supplements, so I am going to be thankful for that and not worry about the next thing on my 'to worry about' list. No, I don't actually have a list. And I know worry is fruitless, but that's one of the things with anxiety- you don't have to 'work on it', it happily wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, 'you'd better freak out about XYZ that could possibly happen in the future at sometime, or not....' Then leaves you there unable to fall asleep again with thoughts to take captive while you are in an excellent state of mental capability, and while your body is trying to control the breathing problem you didn't even notice at first over the expeditious beating of your heart. It takes over by stealth then exits leaving you to deal with it. In short, it sucks!

I thought I'd post the two prompts I've managed to complete.

The first is from Wanderlust. There was a lovely tutorial and the prompt to complete our own page using whichever techniques or materials we chose to complete the sentence: 'Today I am....'

I struggled a bit as usually my feelings aren't something I'd choose to make art about. For me, feelings are fickle, and they lie- that is to say, reality isn't always as my surroundings appear, so I prefer to chose something that would inspire me, or make me rise above how I am feeling. Let's face it, 'Today I am depressed/anxious/exhausted/frustrated'- as true as they may be, don't make for something I would want to look at (ie, in a piece of art) and would only feed that feeling. Well, that's my opinion. I also don't like to wish, or to 'speak into the universe' how I would like to feel/be. From a biblical viewpoint, that is akin to magic/witchcraft. That's not to say God wants me to be depressed or doesn't want me to be blessed. That is probably a theological  discussion for another time!

So, after having a lovely chat on Facetime with a friend (out of state), and a great Skype with my Mum (out of the country), I felt all warm and fuzzy, and I knew I had to capitalise on that! So, as my feelings lined up with a truth, I chose: Today I am LOVED. I mean, I know I am loved everyday, but somedays it just seems more real, more tangible. So I had a blessed little time feeding my creative self and was a nicer person to deal with for the rest of the day. At least I think I was ;)

Acrylic paint, alcohol ink, distress ink, gel medium, washi, empemera, dymo tape, ribbon, stamps, stencils and metal embellishment.