Learning to Relax?

So it is an interesting kind of time. We have been flat out with co-ops and classes and visits and fairs and seem to have been out a great deal. Which ordinarily would necessitate a few days recovery after each outing... and it hasn't - this time. And I am sleeping better. Earlier. Still feeling tired, but not that complete exhaustion that is CFS.I have had to lie down once or twice when I didn't feel I could think let alone talk, but I haven't been wrung out to that level I am accustomed to. And it leaves me hopeful. It has only been a fortnight I have been noticing this - and I am anxious to believe it is a sign of healing - in case it isn't, but it has been great. I am not hugely energetic (I can't remember what that feels like - I remember a long time ago getting a lot done, but I can't remember for the life of me how it feels to want to get up and go for a run etc), but over Easter we went on two really big walks; one in the bush and one on the beach (how I miss the beach...) And though I literally fell into bed in those evenings, it felt good. A good kind of tired - like I'd earned it. Which may sound cray cray, but to muggins, that is a really big deal. Tired because of time and energy (well) spent - not exhaustion for no apparent reason. I didn't feel robbed.

As far as measurable achievements have gone, it has been a profitable fortnight. 

Probably top of my excitement list was bottling my first few bottles of 'booch'. Peach and ginger, raspberry and lime, and lemon and ginger. And I have to say - much much better than the stuff I've bought from the health food shops or cafes. Can't brew it fast enough to keep me happy. Thank goodness I have kefir to supplement it! My grains are doing well and I am pleased. There were a couple of days it wasn't looking so good, then I remembered we'd been out and I'd forgotten to feed them (I didn't have time to bottle any). So a bit more sugar etc and they are happy again. Just put down some lime and passion fruit bottles - looking forward to seeing how that one tastes... patience....!

And I was thrilled to be able to gift my first scoby baby :) 

Rollercoaster

 Up. Down. Really down. Life with chronic illness is like a box of chocolates. And so much unpredictable, unavoidable stress; I am not well enough to find a plan to help me cope yet, so until then, rest - rest -rest - if I can, and more waiting. So life is often a combination of small flurries of activity followed by long, frustrating stretches on the sofa. On a depression level this fortnight has been horrendous. And pain. Most of the time ok - certainly not as bad as many people, but it's there.

 Usually life is like this:

This week, there was some of this:

Always this:

And I am always beating myself up about 'complaining'. In a world that doesn't like to hear about the not-so-pleasant realities of life, I have to remind myself - and maybe share with some people who think others complain too much, we are entitled to grieve. Being honest is not being negative or complaining, we are trying to make sense of what we are going through. Yes everyone is going through stuff, but being constantly tired and feeling like you're about to lose the plot, or in pain - it's kinda not how you planned to be a 'productive member of society'. It is not wrong to mourn losing 'that person' that you were working to be. I still think that person is just around the corner, but what if they're not? Then you need to grieve a little more. There isn't a date stamp.

Not knowing when you're going to have energy to mop the floors again is good insentive to mop them while you can; but then you notice the dust, the oven, the washing pile... Before you know it that energy is gone. It is a lot like a video game - watching the 'energy bar' going down and trying to choose the 'most important' task out of the fifty you'd like to get done. Art doesn't usually make the cut unfortunately; it doesn't feed or clothe anyone (yet?) so it is not in the top ten.