A Word in Season

 

Like apples  of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances 

Prov 25:11

This post has taken me a week of reflection and investigation, rather deeper than I intended information wise, and I will be glad to have shared it, but it has taken rather a lot more time than I hoped. Not for the first time I wonder if fatigue will make me more patient. Then I laugh....

It's been a rough few weeks health wise. In fact I am typing lying down as I lack the strength to sit at the computer- to even get off the couch right at this moment. It is frustratingly unproductive. The thing is, I don't look sick. I might look tired sometimes. But it is easy to forget- I even forget, that I am sick. And I expect to be able to act 'like normal' (though I'm not exactly sure what that is- can any of us define normal?), or perhaps I expect to be able to get what I plan to get done, done. And other people don't realise I am ill either- which is understandable, and I feel like I am letting down their (probably imagined!) expectations of what I am able to actually achieve. Which all sounds a little crazy and goes back to me feeling like I am (and 'surely everyone must think so') lazy. 

Celebrating Little Things

So for exactly one year today I have been brushing up my Portuguese daily on Duolingo. I generally average 60XP a day, which is probably a bit more than I really have time to do well; I kind of rush through it- BUT, it is still 365 days (ok, bar one- I skipped it on my birthday- I had enough credits to buy a 'freeze' for a day,) straight, which is, for me, impressive in it's consistency. Especially considering the big events and my overall health this past year! And even if it's just me impressed, that is fine! I am stoked.

 So apparently I am now 7% fluent. Which sounds a little depressing really, because I speak it almost as well as when I lived in Brazil (which was over twenty years ago now, yikes!). But then, it does cover a LOT of subjects I wouldn't have normally conversed about as a teenager, such as scientific topics and politics; generally we were more interested in music, dancing, parties, beaches- Carnival....  Needless to say I had few responsibilities at that time! I will probably say this more than once here: Brazil. Is. Awesome. I have a deep love for all (almost) all things Brazilian, and my ears prick up when I hear Portuguese being spoken... I have been known to stop walking, lean against a wall (or post, what ever is closest and gives me a little cover!), close my eyes and eavesdrop on conversations, trying to pick the regional accent, enjoying the timbre.... I don't mean to be rude- I don't intend to hear private details, but the beauty of hearing it and the thrill of understanding some is just too, too tempting. Especially as it is not often heard where I have lived since I lived there. I know it would probably be more polite etc to pause and say 'Hello' etc, but as strange as it sounds, I don't want to interrupt anyone- is it worse to make it known you've overheard their conversation or just to listen covertly?? I really don't like disrupting people...

So. My question now, is, do I continue? Do I press in and try and make another 365 day run? What if I fail?? And maybe I should try a bit harder and do ANOTHER language- but which one?? And what if I fail at THAT? Goodness! So much opportunity to not 'do-things-right'! Perhaps I could tone down the Portuguese, I mean, do slightly less, and pick up one, maybe Italian? at a similarly slower rate? I am a little shy of doing another Romantic language, as I have tried Spanish before (I thought it would be easier as I can pick up a general gist of what is being said by ear) but then everything I said I found I was adding either Portuguese words, conjugating as if they were Portuguese or pronouncing with a (North-East) Brazilian accent! And my crazy paradigm is that, really, to keep it 'seamless' (?!), I *should* start TODAY, or at latest, tomorrow- which leaves me little time to decide. Believe me, I have been ruminating for a few weeks on this now, deciding by tomorrow is making me feel a little panicky- which is crazy, right? What is going to happen if I don't start tomorrow? The Butterfly Effect- global catastrophe?! Goodness. I have an excuse for my extra paranoia today, not that it matters what that is, but it doesn't make anything any easier to deal with unfortunately.

And so, I will adopt my usual approach to dealing with stressful (I know, stress is relative and my glass is overflowing right now) situations or choices- distraction!

Where Did That Day Go?

I just completed the first test for the writing course I have signed up for - only 17 more modules to go!

Talk about daunting- well, for me. I haven't really been brave enough to try writing very much. (That, and along with the creative pursuits I want to do- it seems a little selfish given the amount of time and energy vs responsibilities I have...) I don't remember school being very helpful with teaching writing, or encouraging it- though I have always enjoyed it. What I mean is, and this is where this course is really helpful, there was never any indication of strength of interest (let alone talent!); if you showed an aptitude there was no direction or guidance given. (Perhaps I didn't show any, maybe that was the problem!) I recall a few kids being passionate about journalism, but I have always had trust issues with journalism, and it didn't grab me.

The 'English' electives (which were compulsory...) had a 'tick-the-box-you've-completed-this-lesson-move-on' kind of feel about it. One was required to do a few haiku, some soliloquies, a couple of book reports. I don't even remember learning how to write an essay well. Fortunately I picked up persuasive writing at college quickly enough to do well enough- suffice to say, what did I learn in those long hours at school?

 I'll be honest and say a great deal of what I learnt was how to get out of boring work with by doing the minimum requirement for a good grade, and then by some fluke (?) pass well enough in areas that did interest me to get a good overall grade; yet I couldn't specifically say what. Perhaps that has more to do with my memory than the caliber or passion of my English teachers. Only one I can actually picture, none of which I can name. In short, I can't say I was inspired anywhere!

 In fact, I DO recall clearly spending time with a friend - I can't recall which of us came up with this brilliant idea- in the sick bay on absolutely false pretenses (our nurse was a bit of a soft touch, and my friend was an exceptional actress. I think my effort was pretty much just to try not to giggle....). We spent at least one period- perhaps more if I recall correctly, and I am recalling three other times we bunked off right now; ah, happy days.., two when we were very nearly busted it was thrilling! Sorry, wandered off a bit there. So, we were in the sick bay and we spent a good few hours writing stories, reading them to each other, embellishing plot twists. A few illustrations. We did enjoy putting thoughts down and developing plots and characters in our own time, writing in each other's journals to pass the monotony, copying the odd bit of poetry or 'extremely moving and profound' (probably not so much, actually, in retrospect) song lyric that spoke exactly how our wise teenage selves felt. Thank goodness that over emotional/not so great judgement time of life is well in the past... Good thing blogger didn't exist back then otherwise I would have spilled verbiage all over the Internet (which also didn't exist then - shhhh!) and probably looked back unimpressed with how impressed with myself I had been. I am sure you're not like that....


So this writing module. It covered brilliantly helpful information such as:

• Practical elements in a story (such as planning, choosing a setting and viewpoint etc)
• Artistic attributes (including how to develop main characters, add contrast and develop conflict)
• How to pitch your story and write a synopsis, then develop a chapter map

and many other very helpful bits of advice. And that was just the first module! So I am quite excited. And daunted. Did I mention that? It is clearly designed for people with a little more confidence in their ability than moi, but I will persevere, because who knows?

Finally, I was excited (it doesn't take much) to discover that the YouVersion Bible app I use has a function where you can highlight a verse that may have struck you in your readings (as this one did this morning) and add a background to it. I know you can do (and I do) this in apps such as Phonto, but this was convenient as it was all in the program and I could go straight back to where I was reading. A kind of cheats version of Bible Journalling! And I do love this photo, makes me homesick :)

I have also been working on creative prompts and classes, and have a few in various stages of completion; none yet ready for posting- but I MUST do some organising today or I will not cope for the rest of the week. I need some sort of order out of the chaos that is slowly building around this place for my sanity's sake. Interestingly, creativity is wonderful for peace of mind, but the tasks that go undone while I take that time rob that same peace! It is a fine balance and something I have struggled to balance for many years. That being said, I started carving some stamps last night and only gave up because the light was so bad- better watch out, it could become an addictive habit! 

Week the First

As predicted, fatigue is preventing me from getting as much done as I would like, still, things are slowly moving forward and for that I am grateful. Though this does not look like much, I must remind myself that I have also watched a few hours of tutorials (which, while I need to rest is both a blessing and a frustration- I'd rather be doing something myself than watching someone else, but at least it's not time wasted?) and course material, done a fair amount of reading, bible study, reflection and planning. There has also been more insomnia than usual which has been less than helpful. On the plus side, I have had more dream recall and slightly less anxiety, which are both signs that my body is responding well to new supplements, so I am going to be thankful for that and not worry about the next thing on my 'to worry about' list. No, I don't actually have a list. And I know worry is fruitless, but that's one of the things with anxiety- you don't have to 'work on it', it happily wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, 'you'd better freak out about XYZ that could possibly happen in the future at sometime, or not....' Then leaves you there unable to fall asleep again with thoughts to take captive while you are in an excellent state of mental capability, and while your body is trying to control the breathing problem you didn't even notice at first over the expeditious beating of your heart. It takes over by stealth then exits leaving you to deal with it. In short, it sucks!

I thought I'd post the two prompts I've managed to complete.

The first is from Wanderlust. There was a lovely tutorial and the prompt to complete our own page using whichever techniques or materials we chose to complete the sentence: 'Today I am....'

I struggled a bit as usually my feelings aren't something I'd choose to make art about. For me, feelings are fickle, and they lie- that is to say, reality isn't always as my surroundings appear, so I prefer to chose something that would inspire me, or make me rise above how I am feeling. Let's face it, 'Today I am depressed/anxious/exhausted/frustrated'- as true as they may be, don't make for something I would want to look at (ie, in a piece of art) and would only feed that feeling. Well, that's my opinion. I also don't like to wish, or to 'speak into the universe' how I would like to feel/be. From a biblical viewpoint, that is akin to magic/witchcraft. That's not to say God wants me to be depressed or doesn't want me to be blessed. That is probably a theological  discussion for another time!

So, after having a lovely chat on Facetime with a friend (out of state), and a great Skype with my Mum (out of the country), I felt all warm and fuzzy, and I knew I had to capitalise on that! So, as my feelings lined up with a truth, I chose: Today I am LOVED. I mean, I know I am loved everyday, but somedays it just seems more real, more tangible. So I had a blessed little time feeding my creative self and was a nicer person to deal with for the rest of the day. At least I think I was ;)

Acrylic paint, alcohol ink, distress ink, gel medium, washi, empemera, dymo tape, ribbon, stamps, stencils and metal embellishment.

Not a New Years Resolution.

NOT a New Years Resolution

This is NOT a New Years Resolution; I don't really believe in them. I did think about it over New Years. Pondered. Deliberated. However I consider that, very much the same as starting things on Mondays - diets, projects, generally distasteful endeavors, I'll find an excuse for maybe starting the next Monday, or any other time. Essentially a New Years Resolution is an opportunity, a challenge to reschedule an unsavory (or, let's be honest, potentially discomforting) beginning. By the same token, procrastinating can prevent failure... And I am likely to contradict myself at some point. Possibly more than once. Vainly I justify my whimsy by claiming to read widely enough as to seem indecisive, changing viewpoints (though generally not fundamental starting points)  when a deeper understanding or revelation is discovered or made clear. I think that is growth. And inconsistencies. I am consistently inconsistent. Not sure if that makes me consistent of not....?! It used to bother me a lot. I am much more forgiving (mostly of myself- I seem to need it most) these days.

Growth

I used to think it was important, to remain rigidly rooted in my position, unwavering, wary that an open mind was to be viewed with suspicion, as someone too changeable. Graceless much?  I have come to realize that one can remain faithful in the core, with room for change- tweaking, improvement, even?  Simply, some things are black and white, others aren't. I don't mean to sound preachy. Just musing. And FTR, my memory is not what it was. In the same way I am not who I was I don't necessarily believe what I used to believe. Even if I said it. To you. And meant it at the time. And if I need to apologize (and have forgotten all about it probably!) I am really sorry.

And I love this quote. Not that I am claiming to be a great mind, but I recognise that growth doesn't happen without questioning what we are told and adjusting our thoughts and behaviours accordingly. Not asking anyone to agree!

And before the open mind/umbrella quotes spring to mind- I don't advocate accepting everything you are told or taught. 'Open' does not mean accepting of every belief- though most people think you have to accept theirs, or the current philosophical or politically correct propaganda taken by the government/scientists/media etc. Bunkum. It may make you more popular or make life more comfortable for you. But it might also make you a little more stupid. I don't mean to sound judgemental. It is very easy to be fooled in this day and age full of trolls and a media- well, I won't start on the media. Critical thinking isn't really taught. or talked about. And it is very hard to let go of things you've trusted for years. It doesn't make you less of a person for thinking about why you believe xyz and how you came to that position.That said, I don't believe there is one truth for me and one for you. Truth is truth, and tolerance is not tolerance if you don't believe that I can believe that, lol. But we all walk it out.

Vanity, all is vanity. The trick is to finding meaning and hope in it all.

More Small Beginnings

I'm also really not big on goal setting. Really. Contrarily, I am anxious without a plan. Sponteneity sounds so wonderfully romantic, and to a point I tried to love it when I was younger- but I'm just not spontaneous. I have a small capacity to do spontaneous things when I am well, but it is a rare and infrequent thing, not a strong personality trait. And that's ok. Even if it sounds less romantic and more practical. Even if it makes me cringe a little to admit it. I like my lists and I like checking them off. My to-do list is waaaaay too long and will never be complete- because I need a work in progress, or there is no meaning. No motivation - weeeelll not quite none, but it makes getting out of bed - already difficult with fatigue, a bit harder for me. What's the point? But being prepared as much as one can be (perspective here: dear hubby considers me much less organized than I like to think I am- to be fair, different priorities. And he is pretty impressively organized. I love that he is so reliable- to me that is a huge tick!) doesn't slide me into the goal setters camp. Au contrarie, I resist the 'slide', holding on to the last shreds of unaccountability I can grasp. Because although I love making my lists, checking them more than twice, (tad forgetful on occasion too) I consider myself unreliable. Not that I can't do things, or do things well enough, but my body has let me down often enough that my intrinsic yearning to be 'of use', to be well regarded, and to be productive has gone into a - hopefully temporarily - survival mode where I must not agree to XYZ in case 'something' happens. Usually because of fatigue, (chronic fatigue caused by a long list of health problems and for another post. Maybe.) which often communicates 'she's too tired to help, she must be a bit lazy'. And TBH, that's really hurtful. I get it, and I possibly imagine/put words into people's mouths, but it truly grieves me to think that people might think I'm lazy. Often I overcompensate when I do commit to something and it makes the fatigue- and consequently the recovery, worse, so I must let it go. Somehow. But not volunteering in the first place seems to be my go to default position.

Goal setting tips just trigger guilt for me. No matter what the advice I always seem to read: you should have tried harder, you just didn't want it enough (possibly true...) etc. And I don't need that. Stated, implied or in my own imagination. So long as I keep moving forward, I am learning to be happier with that. Dates are not something that should stress me out. I see the need for deadlines in some areas, but in my line of work I can afford to be more flexible, and I owe it to my physical and mental health- not to mention my family, to not sweat the small stuff, and recognise that in the Grand Scheme, most of it is small stuff. For big stuff, I need to make changes sure. Identify them, then implement them. If it is within my power- which for me means energy and budget. But if I don't do xyz by said date, does that make me- what? A failure? Less of a person? I prefer to skip that whole step and just keep swimming.

Your Point?

So. You may have noticed, if you are still with me, that I do tend to waffle on. I process as I write, lol and then change my mind! So in essence, this blog - and I don't consider myself a blogger, more of a diarist? is to process, to track progress. To reflect and redirect. To try new things and change, and then change again if I come to that conclusion.

To that end, I am trying a little self accountability here- though my life seriously has enough plot twists that things are often sent off track and sometimes never recover or find their way back. And sometimes that's ok too. But, in the spirit of hopefulness (hope, that word again) I am trying a few things this year, either new, or differently.

• Wanderlust - a delightfully talented and lovely friend (whom you can see over here at newly creative) who encourages me more than she realises, gifted me a subscription to Wanderlust. I have no idea how much I will be able to keep up with, but I am going to try!
• Made Tribe- with more lovely friends, and co-ordinated by the delightful Anna K at Anna K Originals who is just lovely y'all. Guaranteed to make me smile with a (what I call) Miranda reference :)

• Writing - no details yet, but I am signing up to a writing course. Always dreamed of illustrating a book, so why not write one too? In my, you know, spare time...
• His Kingdom Come -  with Take Me Deeper DNA and Logos365. This got seriously derailed last year due to a big move and very poor health, but good to be involved in. 
• Unschool - Yep, trying to transition from an eclectic homeschool style to a more unschooling approach. TBH, I think this will be my biggest challenge, and I'm not sure I can go full unschool. I love the idea and philosophy, but don't know if I can trust ourselves (ok, myself) - which means it will be more stressful until I can overcome that. We will probably do a little Charlotte Mason so I don't develop a tick..  BUT, it's all just more learning really, isn't it- so can't *really* fail!? 
• Healing - I am just over a year into healing from chronic/adrenal fatigue (ie, fatigue caused by fatigued adrenals and myriad other factors), with a host of other complications. Adrenal fatigue is really the symptom of other, more tricky to manage problems. Potentially a long road ahead with expensive natural health doctors, so many pills and supplements and lifestyle adjustments. Here's the thing- I am making a HUGE (for me) and ambitious list here, and the caveat is: I can't deal with stress. My body, on a PHYSICAL level, can't deal with stress. ANY stress. I can't watch the news, or scroll facebook, or look outside- even thinking can set off crippling anxiety. So I have to avoid it as much as I can. Which is one reason I play far too many computer games- all about mindless distraction. Sadly I can't concentrate as well as I used to so I can't read as much as I want (My 'to-read' pile is really a bookshelf. Not just one shelf). But I have found doing some art and listening to a helpful podcast is therapeutic, so I will be trying more of that this year. And continue praying for a miracle. I would like to do the GAPS diet too, but not sure I have the energy for that much work. I am sure it would benefit us but I think the timing might not be quite right. One small change at a time eh? I am hoping to learn fermenting (kombucha, kefir, krauts, kvass, etc) this month - I am really looking forward to that.
• Bible Reading - Last year I decided to do a 'Bible in 90 Days' challenge, which I was too tired to sit up and read for most of it, so I listened to it instead. It was awesome! It encouraged me a great deal and reawakened a love for scripture that I had lost - it is difficult to be enthusiastic about reading when you have trouble sitting up and concentrating, and most of my energy is used on just getting through the day- so I guess I must be a little better at least? So I have uploaded a Bible in One Year program on an app I have- smaller and easier to manage. And I have found that I need it. If I am feeling anxious or have trouble sleeping (high anxiety and insomnia are also symptoms I have) then I am finding, for the first time in a long time, that reading the Word is truly comforting me. I couldn't even tell you how, but when I wake and as I go to bed, I want to read it. It is a good, good thing to have Him lead you to desire more of His Word and I am truly grateful.

And the best thing about these plans? They are not goals. If I don't do them- the world isn't going to stop! If I don't paint or write, I can do it another day. If I don't get better- well, it's not for lack of trying and it doesn't make me less important or a failure. I can just keep swimming. Another thing about this particular list, is that they are things that all feed me, encourage me or improve my life in one way or another.