Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances
Prov 25:11
This post has taken me a week of reflection and investigation, rather deeper than I intended information wise, and I will be glad to have shared it, but it has taken rather a lot more time than I hoped. Not for the first time I wonder if fatigue will make me more patient. Then I laugh....
It's been a rough few weeks health wise. In fact I am typing lying down as I lack the strength to sit at the computer- to even get off the couch right at this moment. It is frustratingly unproductive. The thing is, I don't look sick. I might look tired sometimes. But it is easy to forget- I even forget, that I am sick. And I expect to be able to act 'like normal' (though I'm not exactly sure what that is- can any of us define normal?), or perhaps I expect to be able to get what I plan to get done, done. And other people don't realise I am ill either- which is understandable, and I feel like I am letting down their (probably imagined!) expectations of what I am able to actually achieve. Which all sounds a little crazy and goes back to me feeling like I am (and 'surely everyone must think so') lazy.
So it is easy for depression to get a hold here. And I was feeling pretty darn low last week. Not a 'bit down', but that *other* kind of down. I have been reacting badly to some vitamins which has left me horizontal and nauseous most afternoons - which feels like more time being wasted! And today is no exception. By God's grace we are getting through the days and all my plans have to be very flexible; my expectation need serious adjustment. I have seen my doctor and my compound prescriptions are being changed. Hopefully this will be good as some days Pyrroles seem to be winning, and it is not pleasant. Another ten weeks should see if these ones are working. What is ten more weeks I suppose? This has been a long road anyway, and I find myself on 'good' days, clinging to whatever hope I am offered!
And here's something. I have had the blessing of speaking to some dear friends over the past two weeks. I mention this particularly because it is both unusual to speak to them in such a space of time as we are sadly separated by varying degrees of distance, some much bigger than others. And also, because after speaking with each of them I realised something I had forgotten: I thrive on encouragement. You may be familiar with the book The 5 Love Languages. I haven't read it in for-ev-er and have no idea where our copy could be- blessing someone else I hope! But my 'Love Language' is Words of Affirmation.
Let me elaborate as to why these particular friends made such an impact on me this week. Lots of people are well meaning. And that is great. And they want to help- which is lovely and good. And this is where psychology meets biology: my methylation cycle isn't working. Yet. It's getting better, but it takes a lot of time and assistance. And stress (anything from 'general' stress or loud noise to environmental toxins- which I seem to be becoming more sensitive to, I can't handle most peoples perfumes or cleaning products :( , and heavy metals - I am just learning about links between piercings, galvanic currents and chronic fatigue- wow...so have to remove mine... And EMFs.) can cause serious problems or setbacks for me. I actually burst into tears at the doctors saying 'My cup just feels full ALL the time!' He replied very gently, 'No, your cup is overflowing all the time, that is why everything is too much.' So naturally, I burst into tears again. I was so relieved that there is a very valid reason why I am such a mess, that is isn't 'all in my head'. It is, however all in that wonderful polymorphic gene!
So when you consider our personality types and quirks, THEN add how gut health and toxins can influence our mind (too many links for that!) on top, then who are we? I mean, you could naval gaze a LONG time on that one. I am quite literally a different person than I was twenty and thirty years ago. I know experiences shape us, but I think there is a lot more to it than that, and I am certainly lacking the brain capacity right now to ruminate further here!
Clearly I am going the long route to this point again. You could blame my concentration level - it is out of my control most of the time these days- and I have to accept that that isn't a cop out excuse, it is biological fact. Back to personalities. I am a list maker/must do this really well/strive to overachieve. Which as you can imagine, is no friend to chronic fatigue etc. It is also related to Pyrrole disorder and MTHFR. Go figure- more connections. So when some lovely, well meaning friend (and I don't blame them for the goodness of their hearts!) offers me advice- the normal reaction I cannot even imagine- but my response is to immediately panic: Do they think I'm not trying hard enough? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I lazy? Am I not doing it right? This is hopeless! They think I am lazy! That is terrible! I have to try their advice RIGHT NOW - or LAST WEEK and if it doesn't work for me it is PROOF that I am in fact/lazy/crazy/beyond hope/all of the above....' and I'm not kidding, all that and MORE goes through my head in a split second, my heart starts racing, I start feeling like I could throw up, I get a bit short of breath and it literally takes me DAYS to get back to -my version of- normal. That is nuts. But they don't know it, and it isn't their fault. Really, how do you explain all that without coming off at best, ungrateful, or at worst- really nuts?
Just before the first of my lovely friends (I will call them my Barnabas friends) called, I had had a conversation with a dear friend, whom I am very grateful for and who I know only wants good for me and was offering advice. After they had left, it took me three days- three days, to shake the panic and depression off. I felt anxious, hopeless, depressed. Sick. It was beyond my capability to pull my metaphysical socks up. (I could just about manage my physical socks, but not in this heat.) I managed to put on a load of washing, have a small snack, then I would have to find something I could do horizontal.
But these Barnabas friends- each one of them- and they don't know each other, independently, not knowing what the other had said, (and I sure hope I hadn't been fishing for it- I don't like to fish for it- I was possibly crying but not sure they could tell over texts, emails, phone calls or skypes) all said:
Not in the same words. All in their own ways. But that is what they said to me. I didn't have to assume it from body language or inference. They spelled it out for Muggins. And I cried. And I didn't feel like I wasn't enough; like I was defective and not worth God's grace or their friendships. It isn't as if other friends don't show me love and acceptance - but these lovelies, without even knowing it, spoke it in a way I would understand. And in doing so- I physically felt so. much. better. And so I am giving thanks to my creator who I am certain has perfect timings. I even managed to get half a dozen small -unexciting, but important- things that had been bugging me for a couple of weeks, ticked off my to-do list; I am really trying to think of it more as a 'reminder' list, perhaps that will help?
And here's something. I have had the blessing of speaking to some dear friends over the past two weeks. I mention this particularly because it is both unusual to speak to them in such a space of time as we are sadly separated by varying degrees of distance, some much bigger than others. And also, because after speaking with each of them I realised something I had forgotten: I thrive on encouragement. You may be familiar with the book The 5 Love Languages. I haven't read it in for-ev-er and have no idea where our copy could be- blessing someone else I hope! But my 'Love Language' is Words of Affirmation.
Let me elaborate as to why these particular friends made such an impact on me this week. Lots of people are well meaning. And that is great. And they want to help- which is lovely and good. And this is where psychology meets biology: my methylation cycle isn't working. Yet. It's getting better, but it takes a lot of time and assistance. And stress (anything from 'general' stress or loud noise to environmental toxins- which I seem to be becoming more sensitive to, I can't handle most peoples perfumes or cleaning products :( , and heavy metals - I am just learning about links between piercings, galvanic currents and chronic fatigue- wow...so have to remove mine... And EMFs.) can cause serious problems or setbacks for me. I actually burst into tears at the doctors saying 'My cup just feels full ALL the time!' He replied very gently, 'No, your cup is overflowing all the time, that is why everything is too much.' So naturally, I burst into tears again. I was so relieved that there is a very valid reason why I am such a mess, that is isn't 'all in my head'. It is, however all in that wonderful polymorphic gene!
So when you consider our personality types and quirks, THEN add how gut health and toxins can influence our mind (too many links for that!) on top, then who are we? I mean, you could naval gaze a LONG time on that one. I am quite literally a different person than I was twenty and thirty years ago. I know experiences shape us, but I think there is a lot more to it than that, and I am certainly lacking the brain capacity right now to ruminate further here!
Clearly I am going the long route to this point again. You could blame my concentration level - it is out of my control most of the time these days- and I have to accept that that isn't a cop out excuse, it is biological fact. Back to personalities. I am a list maker/must do this really well/strive to overachieve. Which as you can imagine, is no friend to chronic fatigue etc. It is also related to Pyrrole disorder and MTHFR. Go figure- more connections. So when some lovely, well meaning friend (and I don't blame them for the goodness of their hearts!) offers me advice- the normal reaction I cannot even imagine- but my response is to immediately panic: Do they think I'm not trying hard enough? Am I not trying hard enough? Am I lazy? Am I not doing it right? This is hopeless! They think I am lazy! That is terrible! I have to try their advice RIGHT NOW - or LAST WEEK and if it doesn't work for me it is PROOF that I am in fact/lazy/crazy/beyond hope/all of the above....' and I'm not kidding, all that and MORE goes through my head in a split second, my heart starts racing, I start feeling like I could throw up, I get a bit short of breath and it literally takes me DAYS to get back to -my version of- normal. That is nuts. But they don't know it, and it isn't their fault. Really, how do you explain all that without coming off at best, ungrateful, or at worst- really nuts?
Just before the first of my lovely friends (I will call them my Barnabas friends) called, I had had a conversation with a dear friend, whom I am very grateful for and who I know only wants good for me and was offering advice. After they had left, it took me three days- three days, to shake the panic and depression off. I felt anxious, hopeless, depressed. Sick. It was beyond my capability to pull my metaphysical socks up. (I could just about manage my physical socks, but not in this heat.) I managed to put on a load of washing, have a small snack, then I would have to find something I could do horizontal.
But these Barnabas friends- each one of them- and they don't know each other, independently, not knowing what the other had said, (and I sure hope I hadn't been fishing for it- I don't like to fish for it- I was possibly crying but not sure they could tell over texts, emails, phone calls or skypes) all said:
You're doing a great job.
Not in the same words. All in their own ways. But that is what they said to me. I didn't have to assume it from body language or inference. They spelled it out for Muggins. And I cried. And I didn't feel like I wasn't enough; like I was defective and not worth God's grace or their friendships. It isn't as if other friends don't show me love and acceptance - but these lovelies, without even knowing it, spoke it in a way I would understand. And in doing so- I physically felt so. much. better. And so I am giving thanks to my creator who I am certain has perfect timings. I even managed to get half a dozen small -unexciting, but important- things that had been bugging me for a couple of weeks, ticked off my to-do list; I am really trying to think of it more as a 'reminder' list, perhaps that will help?
So, what have I been up to- when I am not on the sofa being lazy? Just kidding. About the lazy bit. I have spent a fair bit of time on the sofa. But from there I have been able to read (an interesting book on Tudor/Reformation history)- which for me is a big deal because of the whole concentration thing. I have supervised reading, writing, maths and science lessons. It is good to remind myself these things. And when I didn't have the strength to hold my book up, I watched a fascinating documentary on the French Monarchy and listened to some enlightening podcasts, which is a blessing too.
I have lots of projects in various stages of completion (I am writing this for myself- my diary to show that it hasn't been just a period of 'couch molding' and 'getting nothing done'; that there has been productive activity beyond making dinner- which is hard enough some days :/ ) I haven't had the energy to study my writing course, it has had to be 'deprioritised' this fortnight. But I am doing well with Portuguese- and I did choose Italian in the end, which I am enjoying very much. Also fair amount of housework- more than I could afford really, but those floors stress me out too- mess can be ignored for so long! The You Version Bible app is fun too, helping me with my reading plan and I can highlight verses, make notes and make cute little pics :)
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| Milford Sound! Home! |
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| I think this is a bit generous/optimistic |
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| Just as important as 'Quanto custa?' |
One of the coolest things this week was going to a fermenting workshop where I learned how to make kombucha and sauerkraut. I am especially excited because I need this for my health and I am looking forward to seeing improvements with it. And my little scoby is going well so far! I have named it Cressie. Because 1) it should have a name. 2) Cressida means 'golden'- which is appropriate in several ways, and 3) 'crescer' means 'growth' in Portuguese (the verb, not the noun). One of my wonderful Barnabas friends tried to get me to try kombucha years ago, but I wasn't brave enough!
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| 'Cressie'- growing well |
In the first week of the year we started with a class making a Travel journal led by artist Kate Crane. It has taken me a looooong time as it involved a lot of sketch development and process, and the bit I enjoyed the most- carving our own stamps! That could be really addictive.... I feel like I rushed it a bit (especially as you can see the gel cover isn't 100% dry yet!) but I really needed to finish it and put some supplies away. Ok, so I still haven't put them away, but I will! I have to, or I won't have room to complete the next class (see photos below)! It was also on 300gsm watercolour paper, and I may have bent my sewing machine needle....
In Wunderlust I have been able to work a little on a still life workshop by artist Teresa McFayden. I usually write still life off as a bit boring, but it has been an interesting and profitable exercise and I am enjoying it. I don't know when I will have the energy to finish it! I set up my still life and photographed it, then drew up a grid to get the composition how I wanted it. Then I knew I needed to rest, so I did a mock up in Art Set on my ipad which I really liked. Finally I have laid down the modelling paste and gesso to prime and sketched it onto the canvas. I hope to get to it this weekend to do some more. But it is going in the right direction - forward!
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| Setting up composition and light source |
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Digital render when I was too tired to sit up! I hope it looks something like this...
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Now to throw myself into dinner then onto the couch as I am done in. I feel like I have done a lot more than I realised- not sure yet if that is a good or a bad thing!
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