How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One onerous, possibly distasteful bite at a time until it's done. Or you can figure out how to market Elephant Burgers... You get the point: Just Keep Swimming.

It is cold. Ok, so not Arctic. But I feel it. I struggle with circulation, and this house is cold. I find it painful and hard to move. And that is BEFORE you look at chronic fatigue, poor iron stores etc, etc...

So here I am in the middle of the afternoon (after trying to catch the only sun spot that reaches indoors long enough to make a difference!) trying to finish a bit of admin- ok, calling it what it is 'busywork- so that I feel like I've done something apart from cower with fatigue and frigidity'... And remind myself I am not, in fact, a waste of space. Because in my head I still cling to the idea that my intrinsic value is wrapped up in 'achievements and accomplishments' - of just about any kind really, apart from 'recovery', and it still pains me to have to try and accept that even though I look awesome (true story), I am by no means, normal. That 'one day I'll do a half marathon' dream (maybe not a good example of a 'normal' dream, how about 'one day I might be able to have a part time job *and* the housework,') may as well be 'one day I'll be a gazillionaire and own a couple of planets'. Not actually a dream I have, FTR. Giving myself a talking to, picking up by metaphorical bootstraps and  looking for that silver lining. Maybe I'll find it in a hot shower (and giving thanks for hot water after the system broke twice last month!).

In fact, I had another doctors appointment yesterday. I commented to my Significant Other (I have taken to bringing him along because my memory is so poor and at times I am a useless advocate for what I need,) that it was a relief to be reminded just how much my body struggles to cope with what is for other people 'normality', and the fact that I have anything burning on any level in any cylinder (not sure if that's a good analogy or even semi-correct use of that particular metaphor, but let's go with that. I'm tired.) is in fact, pretty good news. I am happy to say that iron levels are still abysmal, which is some justification for me not personifying Wonder Woman of late. (I have got a pretty cool Wonder Woman T-shirt though. Even if my daughter says I don't look much like her...) But on the up-side, he is going to try me with something that I should be able to better absorb, and also given me some glutathione to help, (especially over these continuing ups-and-downs-of-house-hunting months)  which I am REALLY looking forward to trying. I have high hopes, which has me immediately concerned.One more thing that might not work? I will try to stay optimistic.

I am also swinging between being kind to myself (so I don't get sick. -er.):

And wondering what the point of anything is:

Especially for the 'this sale falls through', 'that house goes under contract' game of ping-pong we are playing - I knew we would be living uncertainly for a couple of months, but now it looks like it could be double that. 

In the spirit of this blog - the purpose being to remind myself that I am doing things (even though I am behind with a few things - too cold to make kefir everyday now!), I am reminding myself that this week I completed another module. Yay me!

(NOT A PERFECT AVERAGE - AND HASN'T KILLED ME!)

And I am almost caught up with my short Italian course. I am trying to enjoy this instead of flogging myself to 'be correct' and over achieve (lol, trying to fight genetics!), and so far, it seems to be ok... Still, won't be giving flawless directions to hapless travelers for sometime. Possibly just as well that I only vicariously live in Italian movies...

I am honestly too cold to do much in the way of art (and the whole energy to sit/hold brush thing, that's ongoing); it is difficult to imagine shivering in a thick coat and blanket with gloves and trying to be creative. So I might hibernate for a bit and watch some videos and tutorials - plotting and planning.... Summer can't be THAT far off, can it? (You know, summer? When it's too hot to move...!?) Not a lot easier to wrap paintings in bubble wrap- but a little. And I have to give up coffee again! Which to mean sounds a little like an excuse to go and try heaps of exotic tea blends....

Feeling Lost And Found

Up and down crests, rolling with the ebb and flow - occasionally panicking that I might drown, but generally trying to keep in peace. It's all happened this month.

There is just so much on. I am supposed to be having a rest today (must spray legs with magnesium oil, too much walking!) but it is nearly lunch time and I am only just catching up on admin- haven't managed to shower or eat yet - and my to do list is looking a bit daunting, and it's not even that big or unpleasant! Dousing myself in rosemary oil today in a bid to have some mental clarity. Can't say it's been 100% effective, but look what it had to work with...

That Familiar Feeling

So, we still haven't found a house. I know it isn't as urgent as it has been in the past, but it's still stressful when you have no energy. We have had so many people come through and look in the past week that I am worn out just from asking the kids to pick up XYZ etc so it doesn't look like we live in a perpetual whirlwind. Which we usually do. And that shouldn't be anyone else's business. Anyway. I have managed to pack four whole boxes! Go me. And I don't know what to pack next - will we need it in the next 'undefined period of time'? Will it take me longer than half an hour to sort and pack before I have to make dinner/get washing/teach next lesson - or heaven forbid, have a cup of tea and five minutes to myself?? Certainly have to move; we have had to make a formal noise complaint about the neighbours, and today I have been doing my admin with my sons noise cancelling headphones on and some music playing quietly to drown out the noise. All. Day. (and it's Sunday - no days off!) Oh for some peace an quiet!  *breathe*...!!! Complain, grizzle, moan - done now! Onto better things as I pour myself some kombucha....

So in this past month (aiyaiyai, where is my time going?) I saved up some Spoons and hubby and I shuffled timetables, energy and kidlets to enable me to go to the most AMAZING art class I have ever been to. Really. I have enjoyed many others, of course, and learned from them, but the combination of skills and techniques I learnt here, combined with the topic or theme, and the experiences of the ladies in the class, not to mention the gorgeous, most encouraging and empowering teacher - I have not fallen into bed after such a rewarding, fulfilling, edifying and supporting day in I can't remember how long.

Which leads me to introduce Shelley McDonald. (Seriously, follow her on facebook!).

I was blessed to be a part of her Frida Khalo Still Life class. Can you say - 'Le Freaking AWESOME!'??

 With Shelley's gracious permission, I have included a collage of a *tiny* amount of the GORGEOUS objets d'art available to  incorporate into our still life. I think this was probably the hardest part, deciding which objects to not include - as delicious as the were!

For obvious reasons I won't go into detail on how this technique is achieved, but I am glad I got some photos of the process because the process sort of ambles along and you think 'I guess this is going ok...', until almost the very end, when you go - 'Holy Moley! That's freaking awesome!' I know, I know, I have been saying that a lot. And bless her heart, Shelley was very encouraging along the whole way - especially where you start to question your decisions; and so helpful with advice and suggestions. Very grateful.

Not to mention several of the women had health and/or family situations similar to mine and there were some very empowering and educational discussions. I can't tell you how wonderful that was. It has been such a long time (three years +) since I have been able to paint and create with anyone, it was truly food for my soul. And to have people not look at me when I explain my health as if I have grown another head or something similar. *breathe*

Blinging wee touches of gold leaf - SUCH FUN!

And here is my baby. It is not finished - I have a few things to touch up (as ever, right?) but I have not had the strength to hold a brush this past week in my 'spare time'. I am as pleased as punch with her. Obviously it's a she. And I am really looking forward to finishing her off - then packing her up to hang in my new home, wherever it is - it had better have an ideal spot for her! I am honestly vetting every property we look at by a rigid check list, starting with: Will my kefirs and kombucha babies fit in/near the kitchen? These things are right up there with sunlight and PEACE AND QUIET!

Prelim sketch for another one...

What else have we been up to? (There must be more, MORE! Then remembers she would rather simplify, and tells herself to settle down. Again.)

Well, I spent a cool morning with my friends making felt soaps. These, and many other things I do are the creative babies of This Mama Made.

Then another gorgeous morning with her making -Da-da-da-daaaaaaaa (so excited) felted dreadlocks! This was seriously awesome. I have always wanted dreadlocks. Maybe one day. Such fun, and therapeutic too.

Sketch I made for Wonderlust Challenge - it was a challenge indeed- Why did I choose hands??

In fact, I am looking forward in anticipation to another felting workshop with her this week to make felted pods. Pictures to come. Hopefully. I. Can't. Wait. And it's also awesome (that word again...) that I get to make them sitting down - phew!

Oodles of chicken broth? Check.

'Booch Experiment: Cacao nibs, cinnamon, vanilla, ginger, chilli, cardamon and cloves...

Yeah baby. Will be making this again in larger amounts! (Durant crocks ordered this week - HOORAY!) It slips over your tongue, slaps you around the uvula and says 'Hello! Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you - have a bit more..' then does it again! In a good way. A reeeeaaally good way. 

And the usual suspects: Water kefir (experimenting with mango and mint, pomegranate and lime, and grapefruit flavours this week, yeah baby), 'booch (building my SCOBYs and waiting for my crocks!), kefir cheese (which I may have left a bit too long this week as it can almost put hair on your chest... bit strong but pretty delish stirred through the huge amounts of slow cooker meals I have been making this week - big energy saving strategy!), muesli for an army (goodness, must soak some more nuts and buckinis - never ending!), broth, and my new regular: gummies! 

Seriously, where have they been all my life? I had to adapt the water-to-gelatin ratio to suit me better, but these Supercharged Peanut Butter Fudge are a hit, and these Coconut Marshmallow gummies are wicked, seriously good, stirred through a hot chocolate (made with Greens Organic Dark Chocolate, *sigh*). Have to try these ones next....

And you know I have such a problem about feeling lazy due to my lack of visible accomplishments (among friends, right?) that I tend to over commit. Because, packing up a house and everything else isn't enough for someone with energy problems.... So I sort of made a compromise. Sort of, because it's still work, but I can, for the most part, do it horizontally- which ticks a lot of boxes. Still nothing 'visible' to show for it, but at least the grey matter is working. A bit.

I have just completed a three week course on Food as Medicine from Monash University (which was a little disappointing TBH), and am currently doing two other courses through futurelearn.com, which for the most part I am enjoying. One is Beginners Italian, which I am loving, the other, is Propaganda and Ideology, which can be a little frustrating, as you can imagine (especially as an INFJ/INFP - depends on the day and hormones it seems...) anywhoo- I *might* not complete that one; its six weeks long and there are already a bunch of people rubbing me the wrong way, and I don't need that crap :) But I have the freedom to make that choice, so that is nice. Just have to override the 'don't leave things unfinished' gene. Which looking at the rest of my life is fair to imagine that shouldn't be too difficult...

And I haven't done any writing course for over a month! *it's OK, it's OK*.... 

And I am also going to post this BEFORE I edit it properly, because I may never do it and that is worse than bad proofreading. GASP - who said that?

(Not) Iron(Wo)man

So. It turns out my ferritin levels are poor. Like anemic. Again. Like really, you should be sitting/lying down. For a while. Which I did this week. For a few days. Actually, I had that close relationship with the sofa for three days. I suspected something was up - I was really longing - longing, for coffee. I mean, I like coffee, but when I long for it, it's a red flag.

Again I am rejoicing that my kids are pretty good and have again stepped up. More cooking, home economic, reading and maths lessons from the couch.

We had to skip orienteering this week, because I spent all my 'spoons' on a day at a city farm where the kids learned about permaculture. Well, we talked about it, but they got the most kicks out of feeding the chickens and the art and music and amazing play area they have. They got to run around outside for hours (really, hours) being kids, covering themselves in mud, painting with water in the dirt, firing clay sculptures in clay pits, making seed pod canoes and sculptures; it was truly amazing that they had the freedom to explore and create and experiment. But I can't really remember what happened afterwards. I vaguely remember driving home, then nothing for a couple of days...

Socialising: the energy thief!

So I have started (more) pills and am starting to pick up again. (Which is something because last time I had about four iron infusions. Which take time. And cost more.) Today I wasn't dizzy, Much. Just have to mind that I don't use the small energy I have gained to 'catch up' on the things I had to let slide again. The kids did some washing too, so really, we aren't doing too bad. Free grocery deliveries are working very well for me at the moment! It took me a few hours to make a meal plan and a list during the 'fog' days this week (and I did order an excessive amount of toilet paper, such were my addled wits ...) but not having to drag myself to and around the supermarket is literally saving me.

High on my pathetically short list of achievements this week, is getting my son to nap - like three times! This kid has been a nap denier since he turned two. And, to be diplomatic, his behaviour has demonstrated that he has*really* needed naps lately. It is a big deal - more often than not I fall asleep and he doesn't but he has been out for an average of 2hrs each time. It has been very good! Poor kid. I always feel for tired kids. So grateful we can rest when we need to. Usually.

And my art group. I (hate to say literally, but) literally threw together a journal piece tonight for the April challenge. I'm really disappointed, but considering this is the first day in a week I have been able to focus (ok, so not *well*), let alone sit in a chair and hold up a brush... We had to use an old photo (family or otherwise), create a page with acrylics and tell a story about it.

I feel I haven't done the photo I chose justice - I chose her from a Google search, I thought she was too gorgeous! And I had to get a photo NOW to get it in on time, but as it is already dark out the colours don't photograph well. Maybe I'll try again in the morning. If I remember!

This was my 'story':

This is my gorgeous (and fictitious) Aunt Rita. It is a photo from one of her annual holidays that she would take with her twin sister Lynette, back when they were both 'the Spinster Aunts'. She would always send us postcards. She was my favourite aunt because she would always make time to play with us, and after we emigrated she would visit us on the Gold Coast and would play on the beach with my own children. I loved that she was always comfortable with herself and allowed herself to be who she was, and dress how she liked. She was inspirational to me and I have always loved this photo of her.

Even the kefir took a hit this week. I just had to feed it, no energy to bottle it - so we are running low! Just have to try again next week. The broth is on low and the nuts are about to be activated, and tomorrow is kombucha bottling day - yay! All ready for another week towards recovery. Only half a step back this time, but the next step looks like it is in slow motion. I know I am better than I was, I have to remind myself that. It still seems a long way to go; so I will take my eyes off everyone else's 'successes'  and focus on what this family needs. And remind myself that too! And give thanks.

Chipped Off

By Evan-Amos - Own work, Public Domain

I've done it. I've left it so long between post because I was too tired - and didn't make notes, and now it looks - to me - that I haven't done anything, and that's exactly the opposite of the point if this blog. Insert unhappy emjoi.

 And before you know it you're in the tail end of the month! Close to the mid year point! I tend to panic like that. You may have noticed.

On the surface it looks (without much digging) like there is 'not a lot' to report. I am still plodding away with the kefir and kombucha (hopefully getting my kombucha crock in May, how exciting!), adapting recipes - sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much... And school holidays are over, so we are trying to find our groove again. Trouble is, the kids have had some awesome imaginative play it has been very difficult to get and book work done; but then I think of Charlotte Mason and 'busywork', and remind myself that though they aren't learning what the national programmers think is what they should be learning at this specific, exact age, I can see what they are learning and how they are growing and interests they are developing, and that is good. Some days that is easier for me to accept than others! And it always helps when they come out and say something like: 'Mum, I just finished the Harry Potter series!', 'Mum, I've just re-read The Odyssey (because I liked it so much)', 'Mum, we need to go back to the library...', 'Mum, give me the radius of a circle and I'll tell you the area,', 'Mum, I figured out why my model boat won't float,', 'Mum, I did my washing!' I especially like this last one... 

The possibility to go orienteering this week was a great motivator for doing the things we'd rather not be doing - I love motivators. Removal of screen privileges is great when it works as a motivator rather than a punishment; but if it is a consequence for one reason or another I live with that.It is so much quieter when they aren't squabbling over who got longer on the computer or who had the audacity to watch over my shoulder during MY turn (or was stupid enough to make a noise and get caught by sibling), and that is when their 'better' play time happens. 'I can't play XYZ, so I may as well play with a sibling...' And that's where we get them - as they have this past fortnight - building film sets and creating movies, making elaborate sets for crashes and dramatic rescues in the garden - usually involving a hose.., building 'habitats' (we had a jungle, a marine environment and a savanna in the lounge last week - at the same time, of course), or a full on three-ring circus with tigers and tiger tamers. It's so awesome when they forget to be annoyed by each other because they are too busy enjoying one another's company. I am writing this because I know one day (possibly soon) I will have to remind them that they do, actually, in fact, for real, like each other. Shhh! It's also awesome now that the older ones are showing the fruit of years of teaching housework skills. It is quite amazing when I don't have to 1) do it (everything!) myself , or 2) have to re-do it! It was either 1) do some washing and put some things away, or 2) leave it for mum to do and she'll be too tired to go to orienteering (yes, those spoons again). And they stepped up, and we had a lovely time orienteering. And I am so glad I didn't make concrete plans for the rest of the week because I am very tired! And it's a long weekend ahead of more house hunting. Which brings us to the 'chips' photo.

We need to move. Moving takes a lot out of me. Last time I had an adrenal crash. That was not fun. It took me three months to prepare for a move and three months to get over it. I'd really like to not have to do that again, so I am trying to be careful. Considering we have had five moves in six years - this will be the seventh, I am feeling tired just thinking about it. Anyway, it has to be done. So we have been doing weekend reconnaissance. Scoping out suburbs - most especially for noise! We load up the kids, some snacks and our list and off we go. Last time we grabbed some snacks at the shop on the way. And of course there is next to nothing 'snacky' I can buy - convenience food for the food challenged will involved at least chopping some vegetables. I had had a big lunch so thought I would be ok, I usually am, but i got peckish. And looked longingly at the (delicious smelling) chips hubby and kidlets were sharing. I glanced over the ingredients - eyes a bit glazed from everything that day, saw there were a few dodgy things buuuuut mostly ok? I figured at worst gluten might give me IBS, but one way to find out. So I had a few...

Ingredients:

Potatoes, sunflower oil, sugar, vegetable oil, salt, sour cream powder, onion powder, corn starch, yeast extract ,dextrin, food acids (sodium diacetate, citric acid, lactic acid), buttermilk powder, spices (chilli, paprika, black pepper), hydrolysed vegetable protein, maltodextrin, garlic powder, natural colours (cochineael, caramel, paprika extract), natural flavours.

Contains gluten. Milk or milk products, soybeans or soybean products.

Within half an hour I had a headache and stiff neck. Within an hour I had sore kidneys - hello?? And that evening I felt like I had a flu - sore muscles, hot and cold flushes.... Sooooo I have learned my lesson and won't be doing that again! Will have to pack better for this weekends searching! 

So what has been filling our time and making me feel like I haven't 'achieved' anything?

Mademoiselle is learning to make muesli; I suspect mastery is some time off, but we have that time. We also enjoyed the Sound of Music on stage; plenty to say about that but I'll spare you. We had a wonderful time and even got to wander through the art gallery before we had to come back to 'real life' and collect the others! Young Sir is learning to make breakfasts that don't contain gluten, grains or sugars. When you consider Young Sir has ASD, that is pretty impressive. I am very proud of him. Younger Sirs, well, I am glad I have taken some photos. We have spent the day I started this post learning about the Boers, geometry and grammar, making more kefirs and broth and I *even* got to start a canvas. The kids have done some great art and crafts too. It rained on two days, but only AFTER we had managed to bring in the washing - without 'that' panic:

And we had some great talks about faith with the kids - you know, when they are listening and responsive! So after further reflection and looking through my diary and photos I can say that all in all, these past few weeks have been productive in a positive way, and I am grateful. And today, even though I feel wrung out, I feel a bit more peaceful. But I will be spending the night on the sofa semi comatose. And watch North and South if I can muster the energy.

A bridge had collapsed.... heroes required.

Vocab Testing - doing well so mum relaxing more!

Initial sketch - where will this lead?

Arty kefir shot. The colours of the raspberries seeping into the kefir just looked so pretty...

Broth and 'Boocha Baby

Got very excited this morning. My SAMe arrived, I had the energy to heat some broth, and one of my bottles of kombucha (ginger and lemon) has grown a baby scoby! It is so cute! It's the little things...

A million errands to organise today. Ok, not that many, but even with a list I am struggling to get things sorted, totally blaming MTHFR today. But I am enjoying seeing things happen on a small but important scale, like my nuts being activated, beans being soaked for tomorrow's feijoada (mmmmmm) and some groaties waiting for their turn to soak. Activated groaties are actually quite exciting, really! These are good things to be grateful for today.

Long MTHFRFlippin' Summer Daze

Yes, that is a play on words. For a number of reasons.

My Pug Mug. Always makes me feel like I have someone empathising with me as I fortify myself.

Firstly - and I will elaborate presently, these days are long. Looong. Mainly because (da-da-da-DAH!) I am not 100% (of my normal percentage anyway) again. There is a good (I *think*) reason for that.

Secondly - MTHFR. Yesss, we'll talk about that a bit today because I am working through this.

Thirdly - it is April and still 30-33˚C (86-91˚F). This is supposed to be autumn. ?? I mean, it is a lot nicer and cooler than summer (very pleasant, actually), but it just feels a bit weird. Having moved progressively further north over the last five years I am looking at my 'winter' wardrobe and wondering both why I packed it and brought it with us, and if I'll ever wear some of those lovely winter coats etc again. Which is strange really, because as a rule, I hate being cold. Then again, I am really not fussed on being hot. Once it hits 35˚ I can no longer function without air conditioning. Ok, well, I CAN, but not well. And probably not without complaining. I know I did it when I was younger (as with a lot of things!) but I cannot fathom how! But I do love 'rugging up', snuggling in bed and coming in from the cold. A nice walk along the beach in winter. I know, I need to learn to deal with that. But it's still very warm for April, right?

Lastly - Daze. That's what I've been in the past few days. I saw my doctor last week. And it was good. And things were looking up. What happened?

*for goodness sakes - this is not medical advice, this is me ruminating, masticating, and attempting to regurgitate what I am reading in a manner that makes sense to me. And it is mostly all personal to my particular genetic polymorphisms. If you think you need to look into it a bit further find a GP who specialises in nutritional and environmental medicine. 


I've spoken a little about MTHFR. It is confusing - to say the least! By no means do I profess to understand this, but I am constantly reading, pinning and searching for more 'simplified' explanations and diagrams. 

Because this is just nuts: (and note, it is the 'Simplified Pathway'!!)

From Dr Amy Yasko

I was searching for something to help explain "this week's problem." And that is a bit of an unfunny private joke between my husband and myself because for years it seemed that I always had 'something' wrong with me -  and it was never normal/typical/explainable. It was almost as if I had to outdo someone in being weirdly sicker than them - as if I was making these weird symptoms up. I only told my husband generally (and he did think I was looking for a sympathy vote sometimes - which is fair enough, this isn't how 'normal' people act), because I knew I'd get the hypochondriac look if I told anyone else. I was scared that maybe I was one. But these things sure impacted my life. So I kept pushing on trying to be everything I, or what I thought anyone else, thought I should be. Which turns out is exactly how people with my condition respond, and it makes things MUCH WORSE! So the whole 'being kind to yourself' idea - it's really important. Not easy to DO, but very important.  

Back to "this week's problem!" After feeling relatively well, one day I woke up exhausted. I overslept by nearly two hours and could still hardly move. I'm pretty sure my internal clock gave me a good shake because I was expecting a knock on the door early that morning! Then I had to sit down for a loooong time, try to drink something and take my pills.I was dragging myself around. Eventually I made it to a shower which I had hoped would reinvigorate me, but instead left me more tired, and I spent the afternoon in various states of consciousness on the sofa...again! And the pain was back. Bearable, but sore! I hadn't been that bad for about a month - so why now?

The only thing that had changed was that I had run out of SAMe supplement, for about a week. I have to order it from overseas - I knew I was low but I was hoping not to need it anymore. It takes about a week to arrive and should be here today (I hope!) and then perhaps, in a few days, I should be back on that road to recovery. I really hope!!

So why is it so important? SAMe is a methyl donor. When your body is not methylating effectively you will (among other things) accumulate abnormal levels of toxic heavy metals, be at risk for heart disease, stroke, dementia, some cancers, blood clots, memory loss, chronic inflammation and auto immune conditions. It is not a pretty list. It also restricts the body's ability to manufacture glutathione, which it requires for detoxification.

I found a few articles that I could understand (I am NOT a scientist, this is harder than learning Portuguese for me, it is a 'whole other language'!). I am just slogging through, trying to make sense - as are a great number of people. It is amazing to think this is really rather a common condition - just generally unheard of. I wonder what it will be like in 20 years time? I think everyone will be talking about their own particular polymorphisms and making better choices for their health. Well, that is another hope!

From the Article: Holy MTHFR! By Laura Matheos

The above link was very helpful for me. The point of this diagram is to show the cycles that happen billions of times per second in our bodies. MTHFR sits between two cycles, so its impact is quite far-reaching. Instantly 'serotonin' and 'dopamine' stand out. The connection between MTHFR and depression starts to sound a little more plausible, and also explains why antidepressants aren't always the most effective treatment.

The methylfolate and Methyl-B12 interaction, in a nutshell, is what propels your body’s ability to fuel every cell in your body with energy. If they don't interact, the red and green cogs don't turn properly either.  This is where the homocycteine levels get out of balance (increase risk of dementia, stroke, heart disease etc) and it also inhibits the production of glutathione, which means essentially: you don't detox properly - chemicals (cleaning, food additives, vaccines etc), metals, general stressors etc. (I remember very clearly doing a three day detox cleanse designed to flush toxins - it stirred them up but I couldn't get rid of them! I was very sick. A friend said to me that that wasn't normal, which started me thinking about the rest of my health.) The SAMe is needed in that last cycle on the end there. I can't explain exactly how, but it is supposed to be produced in all of these interactions and I'm not producing enough yet. So it makes sense to me that I crashed under the inability to deal with toxins/stress over a week. And I think that explains the joint/limb pains too. I am thinking of it a bit like having some sand in the gears, and need help cleaning it up. As I said before- not a scientist! Please don't quote me!

 And I am still trying to understand how to explain any further than that. 

I am anticipating the SAMe to arrive today, and with the addition of more TMG, I plan to have a better week next week. Especially as I looked at the calendar today and next week is making me feel a little weary in anticipation! I am going to have to be careful.

In efforts to look after myself, I am doing what I can. Yesterday I didn't physically have the energy to prepare anything for myself to eat. It's not helpful, but if you have an answer to preparing something gluten/sugar/preservative free from scratch when you can't even sit up on a chair, please let me know! I try to have something prepared just in case, but it caught me unawares. Today was a little better- in my Pug Mug (top photo) I have my magic elixir.... a ghee and cream sugar free dark hot chocolate. Lots of fats to fill me up and it feels like I am treating myself. I am a big fan of high fat, low carb. When I have the energy. Point being, (good) fat is good!

(I have gone a bit wild with the photo editing today. It was my whim)

I had the presence of mind (it must have been a good week, pre-crash) to make some broth this weekend. It was entirely too much work yesterday to heat some up, but today I managed broth and kombucha for brunch. Talk about spoilt! I have trouble with food in the morning (a zinc thing, I think) so it is often brunch, rather than breakfast. But I don't worry about that so much as I used to. So long as I am eating as well as I can, when I can. And also because I might have slept in a bit. Again... Interestingly, I said last time I had been sleeping better - and I had. But last night I was awake into the wee small hours again. Another sign of being out of balance. Interesting!

I also made this delicious loaf. I (heavily) adapted a recipe I have been meaning to try for ages- I can't even find where I sourced it. It became a chocolate, chia, pumpkin and walnut loaf. Slathered in ghee. I am thinking I will have to make a few of these and wrap slices in my freezer for those 'can't hardly move' mornings.

And I had it with a kefir-komboocha cocktail! Goodness me, who would want a 'typical' breakfast after that??

So I had really, really hoped to get some painting done this week. I am all up to date on my tutorials and classes I am following. Yesterday I managed to slump over my art table looking at my watercolours for twenty minutes, before accepting nothing was going to happen...and I fell asleep. Today I managed to set up a canvas on my easel and look at it for a bit. The only reason I got this blog post up was because I can sit in a chair better today, and I am a lazy typist- I only have to move my fingers (my wrists are collapsed on the desk, shamefully). But I can read and type, and feel like I have gotten a bit further into understanding my health and how it is affecting me - today! 

The kids have thrown themselves into movie making today, I can hardly believe how well they are working together it has been amazing. How nice it will be if they pick up tomorrow where they have reluctantly left off today. And I feel a little better and can lift my brushes! Then I might actually make some marks on that canvas...

Learning to Relax?

So it is an interesting kind of time. We have been flat out with co-ops and classes and visits and fairs and seem to have been out a great deal. Which ordinarily would necessitate a few days recovery after each outing... and it hasn't - this time. And I am sleeping better. Earlier. Still feeling tired, but not that complete exhaustion that is CFS.I have had to lie down once or twice when I didn't feel I could think let alone talk, but I haven't been wrung out to that level I am accustomed to. And it leaves me hopeful. It has only been a fortnight I have been noticing this - and I am anxious to believe it is a sign of healing - in case it isn't, but it has been great. I am not hugely energetic (I can't remember what that feels like - I remember a long time ago getting a lot done, but I can't remember for the life of me how it feels to want to get up and go for a run etc), but over Easter we went on two really big walks; one in the bush and one on the beach (how I miss the beach...) And though I literally fell into bed in those evenings, it felt good. A good kind of tired - like I'd earned it. Which may sound cray cray, but to muggins, that is a really big deal. Tired because of time and energy (well) spent - not exhaustion for no apparent reason. I didn't feel robbed.

As far as measurable achievements have gone, it has been a profitable fortnight. 

Probably top of my excitement list was bottling my first few bottles of 'booch'. Peach and ginger, raspberry and lime, and lemon and ginger. And I have to say - much much better than the stuff I've bought from the health food shops or cafes. Can't brew it fast enough to keep me happy. Thank goodness I have kefir to supplement it! My grains are doing well and I am pleased. There were a couple of days it wasn't looking so good, then I remembered we'd been out and I'd forgotten to feed them (I didn't have time to bottle any). So a bit more sugar etc and they are happy again. Just put down some lime and passion fruit bottles - looking forward to seeing how that one tastes... patience....!

And I was thrilled to be able to gift my first scoby baby :) 

Rollercoaster

 Up. Down. Really down. Life with chronic illness is like a box of chocolates. And so much unpredictable, unavoidable stress; I am not well enough to find a plan to help me cope yet, so until then, rest - rest -rest - if I can, and more waiting. So life is often a combination of small flurries of activity followed by long, frustrating stretches on the sofa. On a depression level this fortnight has been horrendous. And pain. Most of the time ok - certainly not as bad as many people, but it's there.

 Usually life is like this:

This week, there was some of this:

Always this:

And I am always beating myself up about 'complaining'. In a world that doesn't like to hear about the not-so-pleasant realities of life, I have to remind myself - and maybe share with some people who think others complain too much, we are entitled to grieve. Being honest is not being negative or complaining, we are trying to make sense of what we are going through. Yes everyone is going through stuff, but being constantly tired and feeling like you're about to lose the plot, or in pain - it's kinda not how you planned to be a 'productive member of society'. It is not wrong to mourn losing 'that person' that you were working to be. I still think that person is just around the corner, but what if they're not? Then you need to grieve a little more. There isn't a date stamp.

Not knowing when you're going to have energy to mop the floors again is good insentive to mop them while you can; but then you notice the dust, the oven, the washing pile... Before you know it that energy is gone. It is a lot like a video game - watching the 'energy bar' going down and trying to choose the 'most important' task out of the fifty you'd like to get done. Art doesn't usually make the cut unfortunately; it doesn't feed or clothe anyone (yet?) so it is not in the top ten.

Nothing to Report

So I typed a post about chronic pain.

And it got wiped. 

And I am too sore to type over.

I am underachieving by my own low standards and it is frustrating. And depressing. And did I mention the pain? Another week of making my mark- or rather, my indent: on the sofa. More days I can't get back or use productively. Nothing to show for my time. 

My last post was trying to be chipper about it and list some positives. But I am feeling less inclined to go looking for the elusive bright side now. I am going to find something to take my mind off the pain and futility. I am sore. I am tired. And everything seems so pointless. So - to distraction. This week I am afraid, has sucked and I am not optimistic about the one to come. 

Keep Moving Forward

I say keep moving forward, but it feels more like a 'two forward, one back,' kind of fortnight.

Typically, I have mentally masticated this post for some time. After much metaphorical chewing I had to spit it out and push the restart button.

As can happen (too often) with chronic illness, it isn't difficult to find yourself being sucked into a downward spiral. That's where my musings had dragged me; like jumping into frigid, miserable waters, wearing woolen jumpers and gumboots, where I was certain to wallow, flounder and feel like I had just escaped drowning. At best to come up waterlogged, exhausted - and the smell of wet wool - which isn't a pleasant hypothetical situation.

But it was only a matter of time before her clothes, heavy with the water they absorbed, 

pulled the poor thing out of her song, down into the mud at the bottom of the brook.

                                                    Hamlet, Act IV, Scene VII

 So I decided to 'paint over' that scene as it was leading to a more depressing outlook. By hanging the way I record things here I am trying to 'throw up some life preservers', trying less to dwell on events and situations that have been less than positive, and choose instead- again, again again, to be hopeful and look forward to the next few steps- because again again, this week, that is all I can manage. And that is the way it is and I will give my best to rejoice and be glad in it. So I have decided to delete lengthy indulgences on my frustrations and go for bullet points; acknowledging where things have been difficult and giving thanks for any 'achievements'. I was going to add a list of hopes for the next fortnight, but this sprang instantly to mind:

I also giggle (and am quick to jump at opportunities to do that these days!) thinking of what my son would say. Word for word, he would relate this strip.

See Cressie Grow

 I am fully convinced of all the health benefits of fermented drinks, but one has to wonder: who looked at this and thought "I think I'll try drinking that." ???

Posting photos of my 'baby' online- that's what you do, right? Looking forward to topping her up later this week. Meanwhile enjoying some beautiful lemon kefir while I wait to learn to make that too; class toward the end of the month - 

SUCH FUN!

A Word in Season

 

Like apples  of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances 

Prov 25:11

This post has taken me a week of reflection and investigation, rather deeper than I intended information wise, and I will be glad to have shared it, but it has taken rather a lot more time than I hoped. Not for the first time I wonder if fatigue will make me more patient. Then I laugh....

It's been a rough few weeks health wise. In fact I am typing lying down as I lack the strength to sit at the computer- to even get off the couch right at this moment. It is frustratingly unproductive. The thing is, I don't look sick. I might look tired sometimes. But it is easy to forget- I even forget, that I am sick. And I expect to be able to act 'like normal' (though I'm not exactly sure what that is- can any of us define normal?), or perhaps I expect to be able to get what I plan to get done, done. And other people don't realise I am ill either- which is understandable, and I feel like I am letting down their (probably imagined!) expectations of what I am able to actually achieve. Which all sounds a little crazy and goes back to me feeling like I am (and 'surely everyone must think so') lazy. 

Celebrating Little Things

So for exactly one year today I have been brushing up my Portuguese daily on Duolingo. I generally average 60XP a day, which is probably a bit more than I really have time to do well; I kind of rush through it- BUT, it is still 365 days (ok, bar one- I skipped it on my birthday- I had enough credits to buy a 'freeze' for a day,) straight, which is, for me, impressive in it's consistency. Especially considering the big events and my overall health this past year! And even if it's just me impressed, that is fine! I am stoked.

 So apparently I am now 7% fluent. Which sounds a little depressing really, because I speak it almost as well as when I lived in Brazil (which was over twenty years ago now, yikes!). But then, it does cover a LOT of subjects I wouldn't have normally conversed about as a teenager, such as scientific topics and politics; generally we were more interested in music, dancing, parties, beaches- Carnival....  Needless to say I had few responsibilities at that time! I will probably say this more than once here: Brazil. Is. Awesome. I have a deep love for all (almost) all things Brazilian, and my ears prick up when I hear Portuguese being spoken... I have been known to stop walking, lean against a wall (or post, what ever is closest and gives me a little cover!), close my eyes and eavesdrop on conversations, trying to pick the regional accent, enjoying the timbre.... I don't mean to be rude- I don't intend to hear private details, but the beauty of hearing it and the thrill of understanding some is just too, too tempting. Especially as it is not often heard where I have lived since I lived there. I know it would probably be more polite etc to pause and say 'Hello' etc, but as strange as it sounds, I don't want to interrupt anyone- is it worse to make it known you've overheard their conversation or just to listen covertly?? I really don't like disrupting people...

So. My question now, is, do I continue? Do I press in and try and make another 365 day run? What if I fail?? And maybe I should try a bit harder and do ANOTHER language- but which one?? And what if I fail at THAT? Goodness! So much opportunity to not 'do-things-right'! Perhaps I could tone down the Portuguese, I mean, do slightly less, and pick up one, maybe Italian? at a similarly slower rate? I am a little shy of doing another Romantic language, as I have tried Spanish before (I thought it would be easier as I can pick up a general gist of what is being said by ear) but then everything I said I found I was adding either Portuguese words, conjugating as if they were Portuguese or pronouncing with a (North-East) Brazilian accent! And my crazy paradigm is that, really, to keep it 'seamless' (?!), I *should* start TODAY, or at latest, tomorrow- which leaves me little time to decide. Believe me, I have been ruminating for a few weeks on this now, deciding by tomorrow is making me feel a little panicky- which is crazy, right? What is going to happen if I don't start tomorrow? The Butterfly Effect- global catastrophe?! Goodness. I have an excuse for my extra paranoia today, not that it matters what that is, but it doesn't make anything any easier to deal with unfortunately.

And so, I will adopt my usual approach to dealing with stressful (I know, stress is relative and my glass is overflowing right now) situations or choices- distraction!

Where Did That Day Go?

I just completed the first test for the writing course I have signed up for - only 17 more modules to go!

Talk about daunting- well, for me. I haven't really been brave enough to try writing very much. (That, and along with the creative pursuits I want to do- it seems a little selfish given the amount of time and energy vs responsibilities I have...) I don't remember school being very helpful with teaching writing, or encouraging it- though I have always enjoyed it. What I mean is, and this is where this course is really helpful, there was never any indication of strength of interest (let alone talent!); if you showed an aptitude there was no direction or guidance given. (Perhaps I didn't show any, maybe that was the problem!) I recall a few kids being passionate about journalism, but I have always had trust issues with journalism, and it didn't grab me.

The 'English' electives (which were compulsory...) had a 'tick-the-box-you've-completed-this-lesson-move-on' kind of feel about it. One was required to do a few haiku, some soliloquies, a couple of book reports. I don't even remember learning how to write an essay well. Fortunately I picked up persuasive writing at college quickly enough to do well enough- suffice to say, what did I learn in those long hours at school?

 I'll be honest and say a great deal of what I learnt was how to get out of boring work with by doing the minimum requirement for a good grade, and then by some fluke (?) pass well enough in areas that did interest me to get a good overall grade; yet I couldn't specifically say what. Perhaps that has more to do with my memory than the caliber or passion of my English teachers. Only one I can actually picture, none of which I can name. In short, I can't say I was inspired anywhere!

 In fact, I DO recall clearly spending time with a friend - I can't recall which of us came up with this brilliant idea- in the sick bay on absolutely false pretenses (our nurse was a bit of a soft touch, and my friend was an exceptional actress. I think my effort was pretty much just to try not to giggle....). We spent at least one period- perhaps more if I recall correctly, and I am recalling three other times we bunked off right now; ah, happy days.., two when we were very nearly busted it was thrilling! Sorry, wandered off a bit there. So, we were in the sick bay and we spent a good few hours writing stories, reading them to each other, embellishing plot twists. A few illustrations. We did enjoy putting thoughts down and developing plots and characters in our own time, writing in each other's journals to pass the monotony, copying the odd bit of poetry or 'extremely moving and profound' (probably not so much, actually, in retrospect) song lyric that spoke exactly how our wise teenage selves felt. Thank goodness that over emotional/not so great judgement time of life is well in the past... Good thing blogger didn't exist back then otherwise I would have spilled verbiage all over the Internet (which also didn't exist then - shhhh!) and probably looked back unimpressed with how impressed with myself I had been. I am sure you're not like that....


So this writing module. It covered brilliantly helpful information such as:

• Practical elements in a story (such as planning, choosing a setting and viewpoint etc)
• Artistic attributes (including how to develop main characters, add contrast and develop conflict)
• How to pitch your story and write a synopsis, then develop a chapter map

and many other very helpful bits of advice. And that was just the first module! So I am quite excited. And daunted. Did I mention that? It is clearly designed for people with a little more confidence in their ability than moi, but I will persevere, because who knows?

Finally, I was excited (it doesn't take much) to discover that the YouVersion Bible app I use has a function where you can highlight a verse that may have struck you in your readings (as this one did this morning) and add a background to it. I know you can do (and I do) this in apps such as Phonto, but this was convenient as it was all in the program and I could go straight back to where I was reading. A kind of cheats version of Bible Journalling! And I do love this photo, makes me homesick :)

I have also been working on creative prompts and classes, and have a few in various stages of completion; none yet ready for posting- but I MUST do some organising today or I will not cope for the rest of the week. I need some sort of order out of the chaos that is slowly building around this place for my sanity's sake. Interestingly, creativity is wonderful for peace of mind, but the tasks that go undone while I take that time rob that same peace! It is a fine balance and something I have struggled to balance for many years. That being said, I started carving some stamps last night and only gave up because the light was so bad- better watch out, it could become an addictive habit!