Keep Moving Forward

I say keep moving forward, but it feels more like a 'two forward, one back,' kind of fortnight.

Typically, I have mentally masticated this post for some time. After much metaphorical chewing I had to spit it out and push the restart button.

As can happen (too often) with chronic illness, it isn't difficult to find yourself being sucked into a downward spiral. That's where my musings had dragged me; like jumping into frigid, miserable waters, wearing woolen jumpers and gumboots, where I was certain to wallow, flounder and feel like I had just escaped drowning. At best to come up waterlogged, exhausted - and the smell of wet wool - which isn't a pleasant hypothetical situation.

But it was only a matter of time before her clothes, heavy with the water they absorbed, 

pulled the poor thing out of her song, down into the mud at the bottom of the brook.

                                                    Hamlet, Act IV, Scene VII

 So I decided to 'paint over' that scene as it was leading to a more depressing outlook. By hanging the way I record things here I am trying to 'throw up some life preservers', trying less to dwell on events and situations that have been less than positive, and choose instead- again, again again, to be hopeful and look forward to the next few steps- because again again, this week, that is all I can manage. And that is the way it is and I will give my best to rejoice and be glad in it. So I have decided to delete lengthy indulgences on my frustrations and go for bullet points; acknowledging where things have been difficult and giving thanks for any 'achievements'. I was going to add a list of hopes for the next fortnight, but this sprang instantly to mind:

I also giggle (and am quick to jump at opportunities to do that these days!) thinking of what my son would say. Word for word, he would relate this strip.

In Spite of:

• Chronic fatigue and spending three days horizontal
• Spending one whole day working up to having a shower
• A couple of nights with insomnia
• Our roof leaking in two places (and the health set backs that gave me*- we had to miss three events we had been hoping to be involved with and I had to re-home/wash the content of my wardrobe)
• Anxiety attack/minor panic attacks
• Bad news from several friends and family members- not my news to tell, but incredibly sad
• Unable to send/write emails, communicate clearly (you may have noticed from this post...)

“Fatigue isn’t just tiredness; it’s so much more than that. The brain fog takes over. People don’t understand how much of a struggle it is to focus on the simplest tasks." Kristie Cornwall 

*if you're familiar with the Spoon Theory, written by a woman who has Lupus but a fair explanation for many people with chronic illness, you'll have an idea what I mean

I managed to achieve some good things:

• I finished my second module of my writing course- an especially big achievement on the whole concentration level!
• 'Sofa'-school
• Taught the kids how to make two more meals and other valuable life skills
• Managed to get some freezer meals made 'just in case' next week doesn't improve
• Anti-sofa school :) (school NOT having to lie down!)
• Make that playdough that's been on my to-do list for two weeks (seriously, this is a big deal energy wise!)
• Got dinner on the table.... most nights!
• Made a bit of progress on a canvas I am working on
• Progress in Italian (getting excited when I hear it spoken on tv etc and I understand it- a bit!)
• NOT fall into depression when I normally would be likely to- this is a combination of my health improving and the grace of God! Knowing other friends are battling health issues and loss too has been easier to pray for than overwhelm me too. But my heart is aching for them
• Trust God better than usual. I am accrediting Him with this achievement; He is at work and I am grateful! 
• Dreaming in Portuguese again (I used to dream in Portuguese all the time)- dreaming in general is a good sign that pyrroles are coming under control. Finally!?
• Made a decision (which is the big deal here: being able to make a decision!) to skip an art class without feeling guilty (also a big deal). In truth, it wasn't too difficult because it was a zentangle class, and I have a beef with zentangle. It is glorified doodling- nothing wrong with that - but people have been doing it for millennia and now it has a name and a copyright....??
• Feed Cressie (grow Bucha baby!)
• Go to a new class with the kids that they really enjoyed

Still not happy, but enjoying the process!

Playdough School

And Something for Me to Remember:


I have been pondering- one has a good amount of time to ponder when one lacks the energy to do much else. Usually I have to play a distraction game (literally a game, or learn a language, listen to a podcast; something that involves a fair amount of thinking- watching a movie or painting on their own leave too much room for the mind to wander) but for some reason- which I believe point to my health improving- which interestingly was on the point of a 'I am never going to be any better' crisis, I have had a couple (not a LOT, but more than usual!) or moments of almost clarity. Without kids interrupting even!

I have been thinking about the desires of our hearts, and how I have been grieving having to give up on many dreams and things I was sure I wanted. I have been reading many commentaries about Psalm 37, which have been encouraging me a great deal. God will deal with the desires of my heart, whether I properly understand what they are or not; if necessary, He will align them to His perfect will, and I am decided to be good with that, which is a peaceful feeling. To choose to seek happiness in Him is never going to be a bad thing- but it sometimes I find myself confused as to the 'how'.  I figure if I ask Him, then He is faithful and will answer. And that He will teach me to desire the things He wishes to grant, which must be better for me than any of dreams I think I might have. So I am waiting for myself to learn, because I know that is where true peace and happiness will be found. 

It has been easier to think about justice and injustice when I meditate in Job.

Here's to next week- may I be patient and grateful to accept it if I have the chance to rest and restore, and if anything more gets done, rejoice in that blessing too.

Parting thoughts.

And old song got stuck in my head this week and it was good for my soul to sing it again.

Something beautiful, something good,

All my confusion, He understood,

All I had to offer Him,

Was brokenness and strife,

But He made something beautiful,

Out of my life.

If there ever were dreams

That were lofty and noble

They were my dreams at the start

And hope for life's best were the hopes

That I harbor down deep in my heart

But my dreams turned to ashes

And my castles all crumbled, my fortune turned to loss

So I wrapped it all in the rags of life

And laid it at the cross